I’ve thought that there must be something wrong with me. I’ve lost so many people. I’ve fucked up so badly in my life and impacted so many people. Regardless of my status, no one would want to talk to me. Especially with a woman who had only an upper denture and a couple attempted implants that were relatively visible. I felt so self conscious that anyone would see every flaw. Especially my mouth.

2020, the world was suffering. COVID 19 happened. Masks happened in every venue, social distancing, and dysfunction. I worked front desk at a hotel I used to be employed at and felt insecure about my abilities to perform the tasks. Yet, I mostly maintained. And since COVID was happening, I had two jobs. The hotel and the job I started with my current employer (5.4.2020). With the masks, no one saw my fucked up mouth. So, I began to realize that there was at least one guest at the hotel that enjoyed talking to me. On purpose.

The situation was this: a guest and his work partner were sent by their employer for an out of town job. Since it was after business hours, he and his coworker wanted to go to the casino to make their fortune. So, he asked me, the front desk person, if the casino was open during the pandemic. And honestly, I had no idea. With a Google search, we found out that the casino was in fact open. Go ahead ye gentleman. Go seek your fortune. I said goodnight and finished up my shift.

The next morning, I was going to work early for housekeeping, I believe. I saw the same gentleman who inquired about the casino the night prior. With my mask on my face, I called out and asked him if he and his partner made their fortune. He recognized me and walked closer to me so we could discuss the end result. And he was engaged in talking with me. He seemed appreciative. And even with the mask on, he seemed accepting of my social engagement with him.

It was the first time I felt like anyone (literally anyone) enjoyed talking with me.

In 2020, I began working my manufacturing job, full time. I had been working part-time since 2017. I was just coming off disability (SSDI). I actually successfully made enough money to start being more financially stable. I was no longer on food share social benefit programs. That felt terrifying and amazing.

I’ve obviously had difficulties in that time too. It’s not like my life has been perfect since 2020 and nothing bad had happened since then. Oh no, bad shit did happen. But I was still in my head over the first 20 some years of my life. Reliving it in different ways, different situations, and interpreting the new reality in the same constraints as what I knew as a kid. And it’s hard to get out of that headspace. It becomes a  nasty habit. So my perception has been: I’ll never achieve, I’ll never be good enough, and no one truly loves me. Evidenced by…. Where is my family? Why do they not show up for me?

Yet in 2020, a man staying at the hotel purposely engaged in pleasantries. Just because he enjoyed talking…. To me. Not the unbeliever with bad teeth and terrible options taken at life. He didn’t see me that way. And I realized I’m not all my baggage.

I began seeing a therapist through an online platform around this time. And I’ve been blogging well before the pandemic hit. My therapist at that time was the first male therapist I’ve had. At first I was terrified. I’ve had bad results historically with male practitioners. So I was scared. And that therapist did help me understand that my perceptions do not equal reality. As open minded as I am, I may be misinterpreting signals from people based on historic events in my life. He had to practically walk me to that conclusion. Despite my dismissal of that notion, I finally got it. I still hated myself though.

I started to stand up for myself a little more. I never used to stand up for myself on things I enjoyed. I did that with the new kids on the block as a teenager and was harassed something fierce. So I hid what I liked so I wouldn’t feel that rejection. I stopped listening to everything I liked and started listening to my partners whims. Being married and being opposite as we are, he couldn’t understand my enjoyment of true crime. I tried to listen to it at work only. However, one night, I was watching a documentary about a case on Hulu. My husband criticized my enjoyment of the genre. I grew mad inside. And I actually defended my position. Why I like it. Even though I felt deflated by the criticism, I still felt like I deserved to be heard and defended.

I’ve begun listening again to Nirvana, Savage Garden, Janet, Whitney, The Cranberries, Tiffany, Debbie Gibson, B-52’s, REM. I started to feel connected to myself again.

I finally got teeth that I was proud of. My implants were removed. Both upper and lower dentures paid for. I could smile again.

Eric and I have gone hiking, Began working on my friends hobby farm. Oh, right. I have friends.

My employer seems to like me. I’m still working there. I eventually dump my online therapist and find my current therapist. I started taking part in the world more. I find sites for people that used to go to the church I was in. There were communities of people who didn’t accept the faith as being the one and only way. I was triggered by hearing or reading the greetings. I was triggered by a street sign that read “Cedar Valley” it was a road or lane off of a county road. I’ve begun asking people to tell me about my sister. What was she like? What was Mom like? I don’t remember much anymore.

Last year, 2025, I began going to comedy shows and concerts. Jason Mewes was at the skyline comedy place in Appleton, WI. I actually asked for a hug from the guy and was granted one. Jason gives great hugs, btw.  I went with Shannon and Jenni to Chicago to see Sarah Millican. That was wild. I paid for hotel and food, to a point. It was a great trip.

Concerts: Evanescence, Nine Inch Nails, Nelson, and now (all one concert ->)Apocolyptica, the Rasmus, and The Hu.

I bought a car using my credit score. I’ve had a credit card for years now that I’ve been paying down. And Eric and  I are attempting to get our house repaired.

Eric now uses the Jeep and I use the Volkswagen Taos for work and personal trips.

And now, next month, I’ll be taking the car ferry to lower Michigan to see a friend I haven’t seen for 20 years.

I’ve also started engaging with a cousin, spoke my reality on a podcast about the gene mutation in my family and how events worked for me during pivotal times in my life. I was criticized by loved ones and we needed to part ways. And I’ve accepted that. At least for that part of my life, they were unhealthy for me. They had unmet expectations of me and they were fed up. (Or that’s how I interpreted the interaction.)

My life was not easy. I was not delivered into the adult world with grace and understanding. You get over your shit and just keep going. And it didn’t matter if you’re exhausted. Pull yourself up by your boot straps. Fuck that.

With my new therapist, she’s helping me with the notion that, what happened wasn’t right. Yet I am worthy. And I started thinking it. Believing it. And speaking up.

I got a makeover and I got a raise at work. And I’m buying nice things for myself.

Anyway, for now, I think that’s it.

Nighters!