My family’s genealogy goes back a long, long way. I’m a Finnish descendent. I am part of the reason my family came to the United States. Well, not directly. It was my great great grandparents who came from Finland. That goes for both my maternal and paternal lines. As a family, we kind of celebrated the uniqueness of being Finnish through our Church and our community. And while being Finnish in general is unique, it’s not exactly unique to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Lots of descendants of people who immigrated. Whether it was for money, opportunity, or just tired of being used as front line for the Russians.

Finland has a complicated relationship with Russia. Finland was owned and regulated by Russia for many years. Specifically from 1809-1917. In that time, Russia used Finnish citizens in wars or conflict. Didn’t arm them, didn’t protect them. The Finnish citizens were disposable.

Finland became its own entity and country on December 6th, 1917.

There is a lot that I do not know about Finland and the world my family came from. When I asked my grandma Fannie why our family came to the United States, she became very short in tone (unusual for her) and said with agitation in her voice that it was because there were no financial opportunities. The United States had.

In my Church community, growing up, I thought I understood what it means to be Finnish. I just knew a fraction. What I didn’t know is that the religion itself comes from Sweden/Finland. The originator of this Christian religion is called Laestadianism. 

My Church community celebrated as being a congregation. They really do have a tight social fabric. There are variations of Laestadianism, FYI. There is the OALC or the Old Apostolic Lutheran Church, the IALC or the Independent Apostolic Lutheran Church, the FALC or First Apostolic Lutheran Church.  The IALC (the Church I was born into) is, of course, “the right faith”. Those who attend will make sure to keep that as sacred truths. Those who leave, like myself, are outcasts.

When you grow up in a religion like I did that valued inclusion of ones own (Finnish, white, conservative) and you have an open mind? That’s going to get you outcast, relatively quickly. I’m going to Hell. According to the IALC I am going to Hell because I do not believe the way they do, and that’s wrong.

I don’t pay lip service to a deity. Any of them. I tried to be the good Christian child. I knew at a very young age that something in the church didn’t feel right.

Churches of the group I was born into are in multiple locations in the Midwest and possibly still beyond. Negaunee, Michigan, Cedar Valley, Minnesota, Deer River, Minnesota, Kenosha, Wisconsin, Minneapolis, Minnesota, Cloquet, Minnesota, etc. I grew up in the Negaunee, Michigan Branch. I still have a hard time going back home. All the traumas, all the reminders.

And twice a year, you may go to Memorial Day and Labor Day events. You’re there, as a person attending to their faith from Saturday (if you’re traveling, it depends) 9 am-10 pm. All food and drinks are served there. Drinks include water, coffee, and kool aid. Sunday, same schedule. And Monday (if you’re traveling, again it depends. My family left from Minnesota around 1 pm only to drive 8 hours back home). Can you imagine that? It feels ludicrous. Honestly.

We did that every year, for years. By the time I was 19/20 years old, I was so over going to Church. Watching the veiled sexism (men in power positions, women child rearing and in the kitchen), hypocrisy of Christian values, cliques, not including others, lack of acceptance, openly judging others. Shunning. It’s awful. I would never recommend this faith to anyone. Unless you like coercive control and enmeshment trauma.

Your family loves you. Your family is all there. They all believe. You have friends you build in the Church. Of course. Those friendships fade after you leave. Your family (unless they’ve left themselves), there is disconnection. I will say to some people’s credit, parents can sometimes maintain relationships with the person who has left, the ties still bind. And that person will communicate how the individual that’s left is doing to the “believing” community.

When you disappear from the flock, things change. Your interest from your family, your friends change. Can change. It doesn’t always change. In my case, I have tried to establish connections not related to the IALC. And they potentially have the opportunity to be promoted to family. 

I started to look at the outside world, as a kid because I was regularly a part of it. I was in public school, so I had “unbelieving” friends. They treated me as equals to them. And I did the same. The only times that changed was when I engaged in sexual activity and it involved my friend’s boyfriend. And that happened a few times. And I heard no end of it. And those people were entitled to be mad at me.

I’ve fucked up, a lot. To be sure. I was not a good person between the ages of… Maybe 12-22 years old? My hormones were out of control, I was alone a lot, my Mom was depressed and not available much after Dianne’s death. I started fantasizing about the paranormal and getting into seances and stuff. I started having sex by 15 years old. Many, many, many cautionary tales and choices. And had I “understood” the silence, the judgment, what people weren’t saying to me. Anyway, who understands anything that’s unspoken? I’m a jerk because I’m not psychic? Who was actually talking to me? And sometimes the communication was in somewhat secret. It was like a had the Scarlett letter on me at all times. I was CHRISTIAN BAD. And that, was bad. I felt like that treatment persisted. Despite no one saying otherwise. I went  to church regularly. Played the mandatory game, I tried to not cause a ruckus. I did my time.

I left Negaunee in a hurry. Not quite “Escaping Polygamy”. I left while my Dad was gone, left a note, took Ashleigh, and came to the greater Green Bay area.  I could not understand how to be a girlfriend, a wife, a girlfriend, a mother x2. An ex wife, a wife again. So on and so forth. I was not recouping and dealing with life. I had a fucked up life. And I just isolated myself into a town I’ve never lived in with people I didn’t know. And not much thought about income…. My head was in my ass.  And slowly, it’s coming to me.

Like I’m trying to close that part of the book of my life. I’m in a desperate fight for my life to control my destiny vs continue to live in a revised reminder of an event that happened once, maybe more… But definitely isn’t right now. And I’ve lost more potential relationships than you know. And some of those relationships haven’t been because of what I think it is. I think some people just weren’t involved with us as much and probably loved us from a distance. And I’ve been scared that they are the others that judge and blame me. I’ve lost 4 generations of individuals/family, one young girl, and a young baby. My mother ( twice- the initial medical emergency and the persistent vegetative state to the day she died). My sister Dianne, my daughter Darrian, and my grandson Benjamin. I’ve grieved a lot. Many decades worth. Yet… I’ve given as much as I can. I’m tired. I’ve been disrupted. My mind is transitioning and I think I desperately need help. I have needed help. I’m taking a seat.

On Monday, I will be starting my first day of  an intensive outpatient group therapy program. It’s four weeks long. I’m out of work in the interim.

It’s going to be tough, financially. It is. I’m not panicked. I might normally be panicked. It seems panic worthy, doesn’t it?

I need to command my focus. I matter too. In the meantime, I’m terrified.