PTSD, My Life, My Changes

Category: Identity

  • AvPD, OCD, and C-PTSD walk into me….

    I’ve been waiting to write this blog for a while. I’ve needed to take time to process my feelings about… well, everything. The end of September, I found out about my psychiatric test results. I have (Anxious) Avoidant Personality Disorder. According to my personal research, AvPD is not uncommon and is usually found more in…

  • I’m Going to be Brutally Honest Here

    My life was interrupted. By 15 years old, I had lost my sister Dianne. That picture – up there, is me at 15 years old. I was a sophomore in high school. My mom, my freshman year of high school went into a coma and 6 months later, into a vegetative state. That girl was…

  • I Wish Dianne Were Here (in person)

    I lost Dianne when I was 11 years old. It was 1988.7.5. I wouldn’t turn 12 until December. I was probably in sixth grade. I liked boys, music, early Democrat, pro choice, liked to sing, and wanted to be like Dianne. The earrings, the style, the smart, the whitty, and very largely unknown to me.…

  • T/BFAO

    My assignment. From my new therapist. I’m not used to homework. This is a sitting exercise. It’s supposed to help me create a more functional inner dialogue with myself. I have to determine about: What are the thoughts/beliefs? (is it true/helpful?) Move to: What are your feelings about those thoughts/beliefs? Move along to: What action…

  • What Would Mom & Dad Say

    My podcast episode apparently ruffled some feathers. Despite not saying the direct name of the church. I gave the origin of the religion. My mom was mad at me when I said the name of the church incorrectly in a phone call. She almost slapped me across the face. I saw her reaction. I know…

  • Basic Dignities

    Life has been a complete dumpster fire for me for so long. I have been stuck in this mental purgatory that lasted so long. I didn’t understand what happened to Dianne. That took place in 1988. Then my brother Brian was diagnosed with having the RYR2 Gene Mutation (2014/2015) which (when activated) cause syncope (heart…

  • I’m Learning… I’m Listening

    At my age, one would think that my childhood wouldn’t bother me so much. And, in fairness, it’s not bothering me as much as it used to. I’m looking around. Taking in the spaces around me and what they really are. They’re not a threat. There’s not someone looking at me funny or talking about…

  • To My Core

    I think after I stopped seeing my last therapist and the fuckery with Ashleigh was discovered, I broke a bit. Again. I do think that this time might be different. I have needed to come to a realization that I’m worth so much more. I’m worth being outside. Participating in life. Buying myself little things.…

  • No one ever asks for this

    It’s true. I never imagined myself feeling like I was going to be a 15 year old until … Probably, now? (guess how old I actually am? Hint: I’m a few decades from 15 years old.) I have been living my life feeling like I’ve had to defend myself. For making bad decisions. For disappointing…

  • Saying Goodbye, Saying Hello.. (Again)

    I have been trying to evaluate things. My life. What’s important to me. Who I am, exactly. I came to a deep reflection today about myself. I’m not living my life. I’m living my life remembering bad things and relating them to experiences in my current life. I don’t see things around me and I…