It’s true. I never imagined myself feeling like I was going to be a 15 year old until … Probably, now?

(guess how old I actually am? Hint: I’m a few decades from 15 years old.)

I have been living my life feeling like I’ve had to defend myself. For making bad decisions. For disappointing people. For not being a tax payer for a while there. And… For not having the emotional and mental capacity to conduct ‘business as usual’. I could not understand how. And no one showed me. I went from meat, potatoes, spaghetti, etc… To canned stew, pizza, spaghetti, ramen noodles, Mac and cheese. And .. Burger King. There was no training. So, excuse me if the lessons were unclear. As if there were any guiding principles. Aside from quietly judging from within. I felt like I was in captivity. I went to school and then to my room. I just failed my teenage self. I gave up. My self esteem was undeveloped. Bad relationships with guys. Risk taking behaviors. Yikes. Thinking back, I was preparing (unbeknownst to my conscious side) to become a statistic.

I was embarrassed by my own self. In any social situation. Unless my fitting in self was accepted. Otherwise, I’d try to bend to one’s will. I was trying to find myself. How better to have a tantrum? I guess I advise… If you’re going to want to get attention, maybe stomp your feet. Don’t be with a guy who has been to two high school reunions. And doesn’t publicly acknowledge you.  I felt like I was a ball my dad was dragging on his chain. (Not literal. Purely my perspective, at that time.) I didn’t know how my Dad loved. I didn’t know how to communicate with him. I spent very little time with him, because I just didn’t know how to have a relationship with him. It was scary for me. I definitely followed my fear. I tried to pull the social out of me. I really did. I knew he liked football, basketball, baseball, hockey, movies (westerns type, 40’s-50’s? Reading, Goldie Hawn, iron ore mining and pelletizing. He was more complicated than I ever gave him credit for being. I shut down, emotionally. That is how I saw it. My voice was silenced. By me, myself and I. I was walking terrified. And I guess if you didn’t know, you didn’t know.

I still feel afraid of everything. I recently communicated with (or in an attempt to) with someone(s) I haven’t made the best attempt to be in contact with. I’m trying to amend it.

Even though I lost a huge amount of time feeling inadequate, undeserving, ugly, with limited potential. I’m trying to pull that back. And if you’ve gotten to read any of my posts in the last … I’m not sure how many years now. I’ve made a huge difference in my life. I’m listening to Debbie Gibson, Martika, Nennah Cherry, Technotronic, Tiffany, Cyndi Lauper, Madonna, The Spin Doctors, and so many more. I mean, even Expose’!

Feelings are complicated right? While  person a can experience loss in one way, person b can go off the proverbial deep end. Nothing is ever simple or guaranteed to any specifications.  Variables occur. Extreme actions are taken by the damaged souls, the adventurous, impulsive,  or…. Many other reasons. One just doesn’t know another’s heart. There is maybe, an idea? Not unbiased, definite knowledge of what that person needs/wants/why?

Also .. the idea that I went the wrong way. And totaled everything in my life.

The truth is that I work hard, I am empathetic, I am clever, I deliver on results, I enjoy laughter and to make others laugh. I have a pretty cool nature to who I am. And if you can meet me with healthy barriers in place, with respect for me and who I have …deserved to be… A good, kind, and loving woman.  If you cannot, I guess that’s tough, maybe?

I know tomorrow I’ll probably wrestle with this. Again. And likely throughout the rest of my cognitive life! In the meantime, I can be proud of who I am, believe that I intend no harm. Unless it involves laughter… I’m clever, not brilliant. You’ll be fine.

Pretty sure…