I’ve largely not spoken about..

To some extent… How PTSD impacted me. I could be wrong. Just in case I’m not, here goes.

I’m terrified of conflict. I will avoid at all costs. I hate loud/sudden sounds. And I work in manufacturing… Oof. I’m always thinking that no one (including my husband) would want me. I’m unlovable, unattractive, and pitiful. I have almost zero motivation. And I’m afraid of socialization. I’m afraid of being looked at by someone for more than a quick glance from a distance. I’m afraid of being judged. I’m afraid of people of presumed authority. I procrastinate, I avoid, and I over eat.

For years, when I would approach intimacy with my husband, I would cross my legs tightly. Not because he disinterested me. But because the act of intimacy was deeply shameful. I was engaged in pre martial sex, young. Well, 15+years old. I just recently realized that my previous partners were very selfish. I didn’t get the attention a partner should be paid. The type of connection. I find safety in the bedroom, sexy.  When a person experiences traumatic sexual experiences, it makes sense.

I tell myself all the time that I’m not good enough. That I’m stupid. Unworthy. Untrustworthy. Not doing well enough. I feel like people in my life now can see my mistakes. Purely by looking at me. Oh, yes. I can see why she doesn’t have friends. Yep. Her family (church family) was right about her. I am trying to make sure I know I’m safe at all times. I have nightmares. I’ve overreacted to stimuli such as emergency vehicles by crying hysterically. Climbing in bed, covering my head until l can resume life. Over eating – dopamine dump. Video game addiction (to achieve a reward of measured success).

I don’t fit in, anywhere. For years I believe my in laws hated me. I mean…. Look at this..

You would. Look at that evil look. Obviously her heart and mind are impure. She is a liar, a thief, and morally bankrupt. She doesn’t work anywhere near hard enough and worst of all..

She’s fat.

I’m too stupid to learn. I can’t finish anything. No one likes me. I’m forgettable.

After I thought about all my impressions of myself and how my PTSD has formed me. How I live my life. I’m afraid of exercising. First, being selfish. Second, doing it wrong. Third, being judged if anyone saw. I was ridiculed about my weight in school. Especially brutality in gym class. It did feel good to see Adam run after watching Chris get kicked in the balls by yours truly. I finally had enough. Stop calling me fat! That’s not all I am.

I agree that my life experience is not either of my brothers experiences. I was expected to hold higher emotional standards than my brothers at the same age. Our lives were different. I had to experience things in my youth, while they were adults. Their brains were mostly formatted to adult levels by then. Mine was disrupted. I cannot remember a lot of things. And I mean, a lot. I can’t stop dreaming about being lost, being assaulted, by being belittled, by making bad choices, by being forced to do something I do not want to do. And not to feel like it’s okay to be me. I had to appear thin and attractive. I was to be seen, heard when needed or asked, to be intelligent, get good grades, not make waves, and not speak about my experiences. I was supposed to know how to deal with my emotions. Without someone to help me figure out what that meant. I lost so much in a matter of four years. Dianne died, Mom’s coma and eventual vegetative state, and house fire. My footing was completely gone. Brian and Tim had hard times, sure. With all mentioned. Yes, they suffered. Badly. They also didn’t have to start from scratch. To figure out who they were, mostly or what they wanted. They were beginning adulthood. I was desperately trying to ask without directly asking because I felt UNSAFE.  Not because my Dad was a bad guy. I just didn’t understand how to do…. Anything. I was left to my own devices. And that was bad. So very very bad. I should not have had to tell one adult that I needed them to show me they loved me. That should have been relatively obvious. While I wasn’t going to turn down money or use of the car from my Dad, I needed time. I needed connection. And I truly felt like it was a way to get off anyone’s back. I spoke to my guidance counselors more than anyone, really. Aside from a few people very close to me at the time. And no matter what, I felt like I didn’t belong. Whether my perspective or what, I just felt like it made sense. I saw hypocrisy at church. I saw kind people outside of church. I saw good people doing good things. And some people who were church people behave deplorably. Not a generalization. There were a few. Most were okay. Sexism. Social coersive control.  They don’t start you out knowing this is part of the party line.

I didn’t like the injustice. It made me feel like I couldn’t buy in. If you’re gay, go away. I mean..

Need I go on?

I wanted acceptance. I wanted help. I wanted time. I had all of that for so long. Then, suddenly.. Just church and holidays. I felt invisible

And the people who didn’t make me feel invisible gave me acceptance, just not how it is normally done. I’m grateful for my life. I could have lost it. Many many many times. My husband believes my ex husband may have wanted to end it. I’m not sure… Maybe? I mean, he did hold a sword near my throat when I opened the door to his room. Okay…

Maybe a little merit.

Everyone wants safety and to be loved. I still struggle, every day. Because even if I have responsibilities to keep my social relationships going, it’s not my full responsibility. If I try to engage and you do not keep your side, (unless I tell you, I’m out. I’m done) – then it was a choice. And if it’s over 10 years and tag, you were it… And you didn’t? That’s not me. That’s your choice.

I won’t be made to feel like I need to have my future determined by my past. I need to be okay with myself. I need to stop that internal dialogue. I need to smile. I am not evil. I do good things. I’m an amazing employee. Socially, still fucked. I try to exercise. I’ve lost some weight. I’m opening myself to social engagements, slowly. I’m holding boundaries and standing up for myself, emotionally. I’m still very avoidant but I did most of the laundry today that would have waited until tomorrow. Friday is always MY day.

Today I’m trying to remember that television does not have to be my relatable stories/contrast and compare when talking to people in regular daily life. Oh, that happened to you? Well, I remember watching the big bang theory and on this episode that same type of thing happened. Funny….I can factually say, I went for a walk too. I enjoyed the experience. It was gorgeous. Although, I forget how hard walking through the sand is. Love Lake Michigan!

I love many people. Some, they know. Other people might/might not know. I do. I just need to be okay with me. I need to give myself permission. To live, the way I deserve to live. It’s beyond time.