My assignment. From my new therapist. I’m not used to homework.

This is a sitting exercise. It’s supposed to help me create a more functional inner dialogue with myself.

I have to determine about:

What are the thoughts/beliefs?

(is it true/helpful?)

Move to:

What are your feelings about those thoughts/beliefs?

Move along to:

What action do I take in response to these feelings?

And finally:

What is the outcome to this process?

Then……

Combat the feelings/beliefs if it’s unhelpful and/or untrue.

FYI: my title to this blog is listed on both of these pages. I obsessed. What the fuck is T/BFAO? ….. Thoughts.. Beliefs…. Feelings…. Actions…. Outcome. Just abbreviated. With a forward slash added for emphasis of a separate yet connected wording. Jesus Christ …

So, my assignment is to sit in “my room” and designate a half hour to myself. Each day. Every day.  I guess for two weeks. (That’s when I see her next) Last night… I tried. I felt so uncomfortable that I ended up calling a friend. I just couldn’t do it yet.

Why? Well…. Here’s how I did today.

And now. Is it helpful? No. Is it truthful? Oof. I don’t feel comfortable making a space “my own”. What when does that mean? Who am I without my trauma? I’m me, yes. First and foremost. I have done things and gone places. Not in the conventional way. Most certainly. I’m not defined by my relationship status. Nor my employment. I have no children to be responsible for anymore. I have a home. It just doesn’t feel like it’s permanent. I feel like I’ll lose it somehow. (I’m glad we had the wiring checked and corrected after we bought the place. Electrical wiring was responsible for my house fire when I was fifteen years old.) Everything feels like, I’m borrowing it from someone else. It’s never really mine. I’m merely a placeholder.

In my past, things were taken from me. Assumptions were made about me. In my past, I tried desperately not to give a shit about what anyone thought. The truth was that I was being crushed with the realities of my life. I’m not being crushed anymore. I have the option to go to work to improve our circumstances in life. This house is ours. And we will take care of it. And that we, includes me.

This is one assignment. Regardless, blogging about my finished assignment gives me pride too. This is part of who I am. I’ll never be complete. I’m okay with that.  At least I’m not reduced to being a placeholder. I’m a homeowner. I’m trusted. I’m trustworthy. I’m learning and trying to make things happen. Day in, day out.

This is just part of me. Welcome.