-
I Wish Dianne Were Here (in person)
I lost Dianne when I was 11 years old. It was 1988.7.5. I wouldn’t turn 12 until December. I was probably in sixth grade. I liked boys, music, early Democrat, pro choice, liked to sing, and wanted to be like Dianne. The earrings, the style, the smart, the whitty, and very largely unknown to me.…
-
So Much Content!!!
It’s Sunday afternoon. I’m sitting here and knowing how much has happened in the last two weeks. I’ve been off work for a few weeks now, waiting for Short Term Disability to kick in. I’ve been assured that the papers have been filed. So, here I am. How did I get to this? Okay… Since…
-
T/BFAO
My assignment. From my new therapist. I’m not used to homework. This is a sitting exercise. It’s supposed to help me create a more functional inner dialogue with myself. I have to determine about: What are the thoughts/beliefs? (is it true/helpful?) Move to: What are your feelings about those thoughts/beliefs? Move along to: What action…
-
Basic Dignities
Life has been a complete dumpster fire for me for so long. I have been stuck in this mental purgatory that lasted so long. I didn’t understand what happened to Dianne. That took place in 1988. Then my brother Brian was diagnosed with having the RYR2 Gene Mutation (2014/2015) which (when activated) cause syncope (heart…
-
Saying Goodbye, Saying Hello.. (Again)
I have been trying to evaluate things. My life. What’s important to me. Who I am, exactly. I came to a deep reflection today about myself. I’m not living my life. I’m living my life remembering bad things and relating them to experiences in my current life. I don’t see things around me and I…
-
Letting Go…. Not 15 Years Old Anymore
I’ve had PTSD for quite a while now. I guess I didn’t realize how my brain changed during my traumatic experiences growing up. And after I grew up… (*kinda*) I have always wanted to be better than I was. Thinking that I was still 15 years old, I saw everyone as not liking me. Or…
-
What IS PTSD? How Do I Have It?
PTSD hasn’t been recognized for that long, clinically. PTSD is recognized globally as a Mental Health Diagnosis. It’s become part of the DSM in the United States in the 1980’s. Although it’s been described for approximately 3000 years. According to Herodotus’ description of an Athenian soldier that became blind after the Battle of Marathon in…
-
Criminal/Bad/Evil/Unusual/Ugly Behavior
I think everyone throughout time (mostly) that experienced trauma (abuse, neglect, incest/molestation/rape, crime, poverty…. etc), people will find a way to adapt. Positively or negatively. I like choose your own adventure books. I like the opportunity to be a woman and to be able to use her voice. I like that I have the freedom…
-
Tying it all together
My life is a complicated mess. Tying together the family dysfunction, the RYR2 gene mutation, my rebelliousness, and the IALC (Independent Apostolic Lutheran Church – or Laestadianism.) My family (or at least four generations back) came from Finland. Lars Levi Laestadius created this religion called Laestadianism. It’s Lutheran. IALC is founded with the ideas of…
-
Learning to be Different
I grew up with this idea of going to school and then continuing that schooling to become professional. Going to church. Getting married to that church guy/girl. And making babies. That’s the standard course. Try to have this viewpoint of having it together. All the while being a complete hot mess. My mom tried. And…
PTSD, My Life, My Changes 