It has been an extraordinary adventure. I’m fourty (murmurs random number) years old. I’ve been dealing with PTSD largely since I was 11 years old. My feelings were large and I had no one to really help me unpack them.

Go to the therapist my mom says. Her therapist. Karen. I didn’t want her. I got Maggie. And when I got her, I largely deflected into use of humor. The pain, consequently, is just too much. And my answer to the age old problem: Instead of confronting it head on because your environment feels tense and unfriendly (even if I had proof OR perception issues), that was how I felt. I noticed a shift of family activity. Being together more often than not, to almost nonexistent. I was yelled at, I was picked on, I was ignored, and I was hurt/angry. Where was a kid supposed to go with all of those feelings.

I saw Madonna and I wanted to be her. I wanted to be free with my sexuality. I wanted to be sexy. And in no way was that condoned or explored. Or was it okay to explore. I felt like I was being led into just…. ??? Being angry. The help that I got was (like commercials for products) ‘for a limited time only’. It’s hard to look at the ugliness that exists because it’s uncomfortable or it makes others confront what they don’t want to believe. I get it.

I’ve been stuck feeling like I didn’t belong anywhere. And instead of complaining about what I didn’t have, I’ll tell you what I did have:

I had…. 1) anxiety 2) depression 3) weight struggles 4) incredible trouble trusting people (friends, spouse, child, other close family) 5) Difficulty accepting praise at work from coworkers or anyone of authority 6) difficulty processing someone leaving temporarily or permanently 7) expecting trauma around EVERY corner 8) easily startled 9) overly empathetic 10) jaded 11) difficulty in reading people. Meaning what you say vs saying something and not actually meaning it 12) feeling the intense need to apologize over things you didn’t do, or very minor things 13) feeling combative verbally and feeling like I can’t express myself over fear of rejection.

All of these things have plagued me since I was 11 years old. I’ve lost so many people that it just felt like … no matter what I did and no matter how hard I tried, I was just going to be shit. Nothing good was coming out of this.

Until recently.

A few weeks ago, I decided to go through our storage and found things I didn’t remember having. Old pictures from school, an old diary from middle school, old insurance cards from prior employers, college id’s, old drivers licenses that are expired (not required at the time to turn in). I listened to a record play on a record player. I went over Darrian’s things that we still have that didn’t get lost in transit to Kewaunee. I got to revisit memories. I re-watched the original “Aladdin”. I’ve started watching things from when I was younger. I joined facebook groups for people in the Generation X category – like myself. And groups for PTSD. I realized the intrinsic power of groups like those for people like me. I was seeing the visuals of products, tv shows, music bands at the time, clothing… etc… reading other people’s experiences with PTSD and the complicated feelings that accompany them. Learning that there is no shame to my diagnosis. That doesn’t belong to me. I was surviving the blast that I knew little about containing. I just had to fight through the fog, the resistance, and the cover

It always irritated me how quickly I was able to be dismissed as the problem child. Don’t touch. Will explode or something. It was like, after my mom went into the coma – someone, somewhere pulled the pin of a grenade and set it loose upon our home. Our family – far and wide. My dad and I couldn’t reach each other where we were. We never had to and didn’t know how to start. And I was left to pick up the pieces for myself.

I started to realize that – given everything that I’ve been through: I’m pretty okay. I got off disability and all social assistance program. I’ve worked only 2 jobs in the last 7 years and own our home and vehicle. The job that I’m at now may be moving to a career possibility. I was given the option to assist in running the manufacturing floor at the job that I have now. I was literally making sure that everyone knew where they needed to be and what they needed to do until 4 pm. I was thrown in the deep end, but I made it. And people were proud of me, and supportive. And I gave 100% to them today, just like I have every day for (ahem… as of Saturday) 4 years of employment.

My mood is improving with the addition of Wellbutrin (Bupropion XR) and I feel happier and lighter than I ever have. I told my new doctor that I need help. Hence why I’m on Wellbutrin. I am going to visit the Upper Peninsula of Michigan to create new memories – not just regard the old ones. My husband, dogs, and I are going to have a wonderful time. And thank goodness, no canoes are invited. Or accepted.

I believe I have more of a positive outlook on my future. At least the beginnings of a future. I’ve been working so hard for it.