I think everyone throughout time (mostly) that experienced trauma (abuse, neglect, incest/molestation/rape, crime, poverty…. etc), people will find a way to adapt. Positively or negatively. I like choose your own adventure books. I like the opportunity to be a woman and to be able to use her voice. I like that I have the freedom to make decisions about my sexuality, my body, my vote, my right to be heard. I like being able to say – I matter.

Throughout my life, since I discovered Dave Pelzer’s books, I became fascinated with the brain and how each person can experience similar things, but react 100% differently than the other.. Hell, even 97% different. No matter what, certain stimuli is introduced and where does the little mouse go? No one quite knows1 Developing countries, Developing growth, and Development. The process To Develop is something that should never be understated. I know things can be more nuanced than it seems. I look through a standard process of elimination. I try to understand – even what seems ridiculous or impossible scenarios. Sometimes (especially in my trauma) my intuition is misguided, misunderstood, and miscommunicated within myself. I grew up. A baby in an already established family. I was (and am) annoying. I was (and still am) a thorn in some people’s sides. And I’m mostly okay with that (? If I’m being honest….).

I understand that religion, like restaurants, can be chosen at random. Or you can have a favorite. Are you feeling like you’d like to test out Hinduism? Why not?! I know you haven’t scratched that Baptist itch. Go for it! Religion is yours to choose. To educate on. And not everyone has to engage the same way. Some regularly tithe and .. maybe a hint more, but go to church less. Maybe some are more regulars and engage in social situations more regularly and find comfort and love within it. And maybe someone else will just feel lost. Like, just missing. Kind of … invisible sometimes. And never really knew where she belong. Sure, she had friends – but, I wanted more. Substance. I felt small to the people I went to church with. And that was my perception of myself at the time. I was dealing with a lot as a kid. Making terrible decisions to substitute the need for something I didn’t feel I got elsewhere. I needed to find someone who showed me love. To protect me. Explain to me about life. And sure, he was over his head on this one (being me). The fight was not there. I didn’t see compassion come my way. I felt targeted. The Shunning was in force. It was just understood that – everyone knew they were safe if they stayed away. Even a pew or so away. You couldn’t afford that risk.

I tried to keep my indiscretions mostly with kids I went to school with. I tried not to put my church friends in any kind of inappropriate situations. I definitely was not a good kid. I was still able to be reached. Compassionate for. To let me fight through the discomfort after losing her mother. Her rock. Her lifeblood. That I was going to be upset and needing someone to guide me. Dad was gone emotionally for me. He could approach a personal social situation well. When we were at home, we were like passing ships in the night. Limited emotions being expressed, a bit of fun humor passed, not really a lot of serious engagement in what it means to be an adult. I was a dog without a leash.

I always wanted to be different. When Disney released the movie “FernGully” , it made an impact on me. The idea of deforestation, the idea that animals would lose their home, the protection of our natural world when it loves us (generally speaking) and keeps us alive. I’ve grown up throwing temper tantrums probably wherever I’ve gone. (And probably still do) I am resilient. I’ve tried to help people wherever I can, whenever I can. I try to be considerate of other people’s feelings. And then if I know them well enough and I disagree with how they arrived to that feeling – I”ll tell them why it’s dumb. (to me).

Maybe people haven’t seen that side of me. I’m 47 years old now. I have a decent sense of humor. I don’t think I’d immediately be booed off the stage. Well, if my ex husband was there….. it’s a weird world!

I had a session with my therapist asked me a question about how I believe my I’m viewed in the out of doors. I said I kind of envision myself like Shrek. Shrek lives in the swamp. Away from the kingdom and the people. Yuck. And he knows the public doesn’t like him. Rather hates him and would kill him if they could. And he has that fear for a legitimate purpose when Donkey shows up and exposes his home to the non magical kingdom/public world. And Shrek is angry. Shrek probably would not have been a good movie if he was just a standard guy/even an ogre. The ogre being accepted, instead of mocked, hunted, and feared because of false notions and incapacity to see outside of the publics own false perceptions.

Green Bay was home to Marlene. If you have had an experience with Marlene, you’ll know who I’m talking about. Marlene was mentally ill. Very sad. She had also been bullied in a big way about her stocky wide frame body and very short and tight curled blonde hair. She was a very masculine woman, by our society standards. And people made fun of her being different. I remember seeing her in Downtown Green Bay. I happened to survey my surroundings as I’m crossing the street to my destination. She is there on her bike. I say nothing and start to turn away. Not gawking, not glaring, or insulting her in any way. Instead, almost what seemed instinctually she yelled out to me calling me ‘fat’. Look, I’ll own it. I am. I’m not happy about my weight, but that’s something I have to contend with. However, that’s not the point. The point is that I wonder if Marlene was so used to being treated badly and misunderstood by the general public that she threw out her hatred before anyone could reject her? Was that how bad things had gotten? Rest in Peace, Marlene. I hope your afterlife is better than your physical life.

I have the ability to choose my religion. Choose my mate. Choose my friends and family – even. I have the ability to see myself – not within the limitations I felt I was held back by. Even if that’s not how another person feels, it was mine. I miss the days where – you could be different and be accepted. You don’t have to be the carbon copy of the last page. I want to experience life in my terms. And I’m going to do that, for myself.

I’m already great at my job. I’ve already said ‘no more money please’ to foodshare and medicaid and government eligible social security disability insurance. I’ve found a decent paying job and keep my husband and I alive. (With some difficulties) I know life is not perfect. I know I’ll have disagreements with people. And sometimes that disagreement will sting. I am not your carbon copy. I have chosen my own adventure. It’s been fucked up, but it’s taught me a lot about who I am and what I am made of. I am even my employer’s employee of the year as of 2023. I’ve kept my job for (as of May 4th) four years. I did that. I showed my worth to my best friends Shannon and MIssy and my absolutely wonderful husband of more than 20 years. I get to work every day (mostly, unless it’s okayed), I drive responsibly. I haven’t had a traffic ticket since my children were in car seats. I haven’t had a car accident since Ashleigh was 3 years old. And even at that time it wasn’t my fault. I get my vehicle oil changes, I wish well for people that I love. I joke with people to help keep them at peace around me. I accept others for who they are, unless it is in direct contrast with what is healthy in my life. Understanding bad behavior is different than readily accepting it and deserving it. I love animals and try to show them respect – and even suffer after seeing them hurt.

I have had to walk a a path that I wouldn’t recommend for anyone. Not even my ex husband. And man, that’s hard to say. Every time I wake up, I try to go through my day being an example of how you should behave. Knowing that if I just try to be as perfect as I can, maybe I won’t be ignored or an inconvenience for anyone. And even if I just ask one question… man, I”m sorry. I hate to be a bother. In my mind, loud noises terrify me. I screamed at work when the needle broke on the bartack machine I was working on. People looked around, they were confused. Who’s hurt? Nope, it was the noise. Every day I have anxiety about what might happened. That I’m going to lose everything. My house, my car, my husband, my life, my daughter, my job, etc. I know you shouldn’t worry about the things you can’t control, but at the same time… I should be doing more. Oh, that place is hiring? Well, I could probably do that. I should apply! I’m an idiot… I’d have no time! But you’d have money and you couldn’t be said that you’re being lazy or not willing to provide for your husband. He needs you so much than you need yourself. I should just go sit down now and try not to be seen or heard by anyone. Does that sound healthy to you? I hope you said no…. If you did? Congrats! You’re smart!

I often feel like I”m too much. And I get that. I’ve had a lot of drama, mental illness, loss, death to contend with. i’m exceptionally jaded, difficult to convey actual love (not for the benefit of the other only), cranktankerous, funny, wow, so sarcastic! And a little bit happy. I like to be heard and know that people also might like my music. That they won’t make fun of me for what I like because … somehow it’s stupid or teeny bopper… or just too yuck. I’d like to know that my thoughts and feelings aren’t just overridden and my contribution is worth it and respected. I was not able to get the love and respect that I needed from my community. Shrek’s community – at the end of the movie realized what an asset he truly was. Not that he needed to be changed for how large he was, the weird color of his skin. No one asked him to convert to something that doesn’t feel right to them. Or even given the respect for the fact that I’m a moral and legally minded person who would in a heartbeat give a lot of what she has just to show people what a great person she is. All the while knowing about…. 2% of what everyone else sees.

But remember… if you don’t love God and Obey… Whatever. Not my your problem. Yep….

People assumed I was bad. Who knows, maybe someone throught I had evil intentions … or maybe they thought I’d grow up to be a criminal. I wanted nothing more than to get out of the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and forge my own way. I didn’t know how. I was broke with a deadbeat no good husband. I had social support with no full high school education. Crap jobs were all in my future. I didn’t see my life amounting to much if stayed there. And all the bad memories that kept replaying over ad nauseum. I did stupid shit. Now, we have labels on products to tell people not to do stupid shit. And rebelling is a natural reaction when you already know yoiur life is on a collision course down the toilet. Just grab anything good that you can. The lines blur. Even people who are generally morally sound, if given the proper stimulus – example: can’t afford expensive medication or treatment for spouse, partner, loved one. If you knew this was the game changer… what lengths would you go through. Even if there was just a chance and your loved one was desperate.

We all have a trigger.

Not everyone is my cup of tea either. And that’s okay. I can stand strong on my own knowing that I can improve. I still have time left on the clock to, like Shrek, redeem myself. Not for the people, but for myself.

Coincidentally, Shrek is an incredibly important movie. The characters are deep and comolex, wonderfully simple and the situations are often dire. The fact that even an ogre can win people who are afraid over. I wish more people could value the ability to look differently.

I was largely not anyone’s problem growing up. I don’t want to be something to be ignored. I just want to say what I want, because fundamentally – it’s who I was and who I am striving to change from. It’s hard to change the way you’ve been if that’s been your understanding of reality. Even though I’m not in danger for any REAL reason, I still mentally feel like everything I know and love will be ripped out from under me. If I don’t zig, I’ll be lost. Again. And I am doing everything in my power not to.

My mind is anything but quiet. Not that I hear voices, but I feel like my thoughts are tornadoes of different thoughts and ideas. Way to change, improve, and fix. And all the various ways that would happen. It’s exhausting.

Navigating a proper adulthood is hard when your teenage years were fraught with emotional neglect and nothing being like it used to be.

We broke. Together but different. And yet I’m still the bad one. In my head. Well, that’s done. I’m not holding that shit anymore. I see things now. And I am worth fighting for.