It’s been a few weeks since I’ve been in therapy. I’ve done a number of cool things since the last time I blogged. I walked on a trail (not exactly close to my house – but within driving distance) with Roux and had a blast. I also took a number of bike rides with Eric that were approximately 8-10 miles each trip. I’d tell you the number to humble brag – but, I won’t. I’ll look later on the Fitbit app and give myself a hearty pat on the back.

So… I’m at work. I have a team lead that I’ve come into conflict with. And that’s hard. I try to be nice (where I can), but even seeing him sometimes is enough to make me really agitated. When he comes closer to me – I just smile and nod. And sometimes engage in polite conversation. That’s it. Just long enough to blast passed the vibe I’m getting off him. I know it’s not just me.

My therapist asked me WHY it’s such a big deal to me that people get away with things when we’re at work. I’m such a stickler for the rules. I can’t play grand theft auto – after 1 star, my palms are sweating and I’m shaking. (I will NEVER be a criminal) I told him that because it’s bullshit. Why is it bullshit though, Janet? Oh boy, that was hard to digest. I had to think about it long and hard. My answer to it was – when I was a kid, I grew up like any other kid. BUT – when my mom was in the vegetative state, I rebelled. I was 14 years old, I struggled at school, my dad didn’t really pay attention to me, my family was VERY distant, I kept having to see my mom in this horrible condition day after day… I had already lost a sister by the time I was 11 years old and she broke the rules. She smoked pot, snorted cocaine, stole, had a baby (nearly) out of wedlock, married a guy that my parents didn’t approve of… But she was smart as all get out. Education wise. Maybe not functioning well emotionally. I didn’t come to find this out until after I got older. Not many people talked about my sister. And honestly, for the longest time – all I heard about Dianne was from my rother Tim. And the way he regarded her was not on kind terms. In essence, I had to send him the lyrics to a Linkin Park song that told him … this is what I think of regarding how you talk about Dianne. I honestly can’t remember which song it was – I’ll probably find it when I least need it. At that point, Tim probably realized that I needed more than just his jaded (yet factually irritated) recall.

It’s hard to grow up when you’ve been repeatedly traumatized. I’d love for a scientist to put me in a scan … see how my brain reacts to stimuli. *YES! I am saying I want to be tested… I would love for medical science to study me. I want to see how my brain was impacted by multiple traumas. Now. I’ll go on. Ahem. I as REacting to everything that was happening. I had premarital sex (that was wrong – although VERY secularly acceptable) I was drinking and smoking pot (which is not acceptable by the legal standards) I was purely wanting someone to pay attention to me. The negative attention I was getting from my community (church peers and their families as well as in school and family) was only drawing me closer and closer to the bad that drew me back. I married a very manipulative man and divorced him after having a child. That whole situation was painful. By that point, I’m cheating on my new boyfriend. I was trying to start anew, but doing shit wrong… still! And then I got pregnant with Darrian. Eric didn’t respond well since we both pretty well knew he wasn’t the father. Once she was born, he was in love. Ashleigh had been having developmental issues and did not LOVE her sister. Not remotely. As time went on, she didn’t LOVE her sister more and more. The torment and the abuse. It was diabolical. Everything spiraled. So much of my existence has been dysfunctional. My church experience was hardened by my trauma reaction. My social experience was hardened by my trauma reaction. My relationships were hardened by my trauma reaction. (Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!…. yea, I know) It’s true though. My life has been shaped by misadventures of so many types. Yet miraculously, I am still alive to tell the tale. Just…. not without my own fucked uppedness.

In my life, I want nothing more than to help other people see the sides of themselves that they can’t see because of their own mental block. Until 2020, I was still completely stuck in my own version of reality. Everyone hated me, I was never good enough, no one would like me (or even if it seemed like they did – it was for a purpose .. wanted something from me, selfish need). I honestly felt like I had the world’s largest inferiority complex. In my experience when I started working again (February of 2017) – I was still having trauma reactions with my social interactions. I had a boss once tell me at the hotel I worked at that I was doing a good job. Instead of accepting that compliment on face value, I dismissed it as she was just being cordial to all the housekeepers. Not that I did anything any different. Why did I do that?

My most positive experience in high school (that I can recall) without associating a trauma reaction was … two things, actually. Going to work with the handicapped kids at the middle school during my lunch break and when a substitute teacher told me that he liked my hair. I had recently dyed it red. And fyi – all the students HATED this substitute. I loved him from that day forward. No one seemed to give a shit about me in school – aside from my friends. And I needed a grown up to say… hey you’re okay. Instead of the knee jerk restrictions from parents about spending time with me. And since they did that, my trauma reaction was to find the “bad kids”.

I’d like to wonder what it would have been like had my dad more doting on me, or helped me with my homework, or anything. If my cousins would have been able to be around me more. If I wouldn’t have lost my entire reality.

In my reality now as a 45 year old woman, I’m trying to understand how anyone can deal with me. I want to have the inside scoop of what people think of me. Yet the dichotomy is – I wouldn’t believe the good if that’s what they told me. Like my former boss, I would believe they were just paying me lip service. None of it was real. I put a piece of duct tape on my station at work that has written on it “You are AWESOME! My job is important” to remind me that positivity is the right way to go. Even when I don’t feel so awesome. I can say I love my heritage; I love my husband; I love my dogs. If I were to look inward at myself? I’ve got nothing. And – if that’s not bad enough, I realized though my introspection time – I feel like I don’t have a right to ask for ANYTHING that I want. Since I did all these bad things as a kid (and you’re right, I’m not a kid now) I A) Have to prove that I’m not going to fuck up again B) I don’t deserve the good things that I have and C) I’ll never achieve anything that I want.

I’ve also determined that food is definitely an addiction. One that is completely legal and is obsessed over by our culture. No matter what, there’s a completely legitimate business selling food that is way more than the caloric intake of an average person. And without knowing what exactly we’re eating, we just trust that it’s okay. And when I ingest something that I enjoy, the happy neurotransmitters Dopamine and Serotonin reward me. And because I’m rewarded with those neurotransmitters, I eat to I’m sick because I want it more. My rewards as a kid led to negative attention, so I am doing the same thing with food. And now that I am willing to admit that I’m trying to figure out how to change that frame of mind.

At 3 pm CST my therapist will video chat with me and hopefully I’ll be able to come up with a game plan.

One new development! My daughter, Darrian’s best friend Miranda is willing to spend time with Eric and I at our home. She just got out of a particularly bad situation – so she’ll be more available now. I can’t wait to watch Red vs Blue with her and giggle over some of the most ridiculous things we’ve seen Darrian do or say. I think we both could use some of that. With the end result being a bon fire or something akin to that. I’m excited.

Take care to anyone who reads this! Remember to breathe and take care of you!