I’ve spent a long time identifying who I am as a victim of some fucked up circumstances. For years. I was modeled ignoring yourself and your needs, so, that was normal.

I can’t exactly remember how long it’s been now, but it started out with Eric and I going to see Jason Mewes at Skyline Comedy Club in Appleton, Wisconsin. Now I’ve been to an Evanescence concert, Nelson, going to see Nine Inch Nails next month with my niece towards the end of the month.  And, went to a community theater production with my in laws. Plus, seen Sarah Millican with my friends Shannon and Jenni. In Chicago!!!

I’ve been endeavoring on “enjoying my life”. Not just sitting home, drinking coffee, eating, and waiting for the next responsibility to come due.

I’ve had more direct conversations with Eric than ever before. We can be candid and respectful. He’s been nervous about my reaction and I’ve been worried about his. Hence why we probably haven’t tackled what “normal” couples that have been married for 20+ years have. My fear and inability to take in anything extra controlled my life. My inability to see past my anger and how I felt emotionally and physically abandoned killed the inside of me.

I’m going to be 50 near the end of this year. I’m exhausted. Living in survival mode, not trusting people, being afraid of connection is hard. Nothing feels right. Everything seems overwhelming. And there’s still more.

Because I can identify with who I am and why I am more, now; I’m terrified. I’m terrified that I’ll have a flashback and start acting irrational. I’m afraid of being afraid of people. Even if they’ve been nice to me. I’m not used to that. Shunning and emotional neglect really kill your sense of self and safety/security. (Oh, but it was done to prove a point. I’m stronger now because of it).

Bullshit.

I understand dysfunction. It didn’t happen by itself. When you’re trying to survive without a guide book, lots of mistakes are made. Instead of talking to me. Human to human, I was labeled. I was gossiped about, I was judged, and I was ignored/shunned. The more it happened, the angrier I became. Until I just tried to numb the pain. It’s the worst vicious cycle.

I lost everything. And instead of anyone trying to reach out, I stayed a non issue. No one tried to amplify their place in my life. So, I thought .. they hate me. They don’t accept me. And their inaction proved me right. If they wanted to be perceived as accepting of me, maybe don’t wait over 20 years to reconnect. Act like you care. About your sister’s daughter. Even if the reminder is painful. I still exist. I’m just different than you. Yet, I’m still part of you. And that’s okay.

So… Who am I? I’m not my trauma, it’s what I’ve survived. And that is part of me. I’m a mother, a lover, a friend. I’m curious,  I enjoy laughter and singing. I like baking and maybe can give cooking a go. I enjoy blogging and telling my story. I enjoy learning about Finland, my connection to the country, and feeling included (which feels dangerous right now). I love dogs, I’ll pet them all. I love animals. Sloths, giraffes, dogs, cats, llamas, sheep. I love trees. I love nature. And I want to learn ASL and tarot cards. And one day I’d love to be a trauma informed therapist. Truly.

For now, I have to tread with compassion for myself and watch my self loathing. My new therapist borrowed me a book –

The book is an easy read. It’s not traditional typed text. And I’ve gotten through 60 pages. I’m proud.

I’ll continue to evolve. And in my near half century on this planet, I’m pretty damn good. And if you can’t accept me, it’s okay. I have people that do.