I think after I stopped seeing my last therapist and the fuckery with Ashleigh was discovered, I broke a bit. Again. I do think that this time might be different.

I have needed to come to a realization that I’m worth so much more. I’m worth being outside. Participating in life. Buying myself little things. Asking for hugs. Being just one of us.

Between two apps that I’d been using for years, I accumulated $90 in Amazon credit. I bought myself eyeliner, a book, hair stuff, a watch band for my existing smart watch, peppermint mocha coffee, a candle, and dog hair removing brushes.

Most of that was for me. Eric doesn’t like a lot of flavored coffee. I’m in a damn near lust filled relationship with that seasonal bastard. (Yum)

I’m going to a concert in Milwaukee with Eric. We will be staying at a hotel, in Milwaukee overnight. And I haven’t seen any concerts since I went to Nickelback/Trapt in Green Bay, WI. That was…. Before 2010… For sure.

I cannot explain how I feel. I feel scared, but a little more confident. I’m remembering little things that haven’t been in my consciousness for a long time. Early childhood memories. Almost like watching a movie. Not just snapshots of events. Barely.

I knew my mental health was bad. I just didn’t know exactly how bad. I feel this need to check in with my husband. Have I annoyed you yet? Are you still with me? No regrets? And no…. Not a trick question.

I’m proud of him for doing what he’s been. I’m concerned about his physical health. He seems to continue to go downhill. He’s only 45. He’s trying the lapidary machine my brother Tim sent us.

My credit score is in flux. I’m trying not to be afraid of trying new things. Or foods. I’m still dreadful at decision making. I’m learning to be more mindful.

And, I’d love to take a sewing class. Learn some basic skills. Not just industrial.

I know that relationships are complicated. And there are likely many that will live in the past. I’m okay with that. There are some I regret. I just want to be the person I’m meant to be. Interests, loves, dislikes, etc… That no matter what (given legal and moral obligations/choices) I will be acceptable as me. Not as a version that doesn’t fit.

Many people would be lucky to know me. I’m pretty okay.