I feel like when it comes to my life, I haven’t truly lived. Not exactly. I’ve wanted to live according to MY TERMS. I wanted to feel safe, to feel seen, to be appreciated, and to be loved. I felt love from my mother. After my mother was unexpectedly in her vegetative state, I got lost. Completely buried by expectation instead of compassion. So I lived how I had to. Within reason. Yes, I was physically provided for. Being a parent is so much more than that.

As an adult, I’ve lived as disappointment, a black sheep, a mother, a spouse, divorcee, and again, a spouse. I missed a lot of living as a teenager. Then I jumped into adulthood. And still, I lived according to who I was supposed to be. Little about what I wanted. And some of that was limited by income, by status, and by my own self being trapped in a mental mess that I didn’t know I was in, exactly.

I thought I was living. I mean, I have many of the trappings that say you’ve lived. I take some pleasure. I truly do. Yet, no matter what, I’m afraid of what I don’t know. What could go wrong and why. Does it matter?? Sure… Maybe.

I think I’ve been putting a lot of excess energy into trying to be good enough for others. And what that means. I’m not entirely sure what the expectations are. I don’t see what others see in me and my actions. I think the way I live is that I strive for perfection. You cannot be without me. You need me. It sounds cocky, but it’s how I feel comforted. If I’m not fully proficient in doing something, I’m going to disappoint someone and myself. And I feel trapped not being able to do something that’s desired of me to do.

My life hasn’t been easy. This blog for many years was me screaming out into the ether. I want to be seen for the person I want to be. I would like to get your acceptance. Your love. None of that has really changed. I’m just trying to navigate it differently.

Every time I travel. If I’m able to observe my surroundings, I try to appreciate it. The first time I flew on an airplane, I booked the window seat. On the boat, I’m outside. I’m watching as the land disappears. We’re far away from the fisherman’s boats. There is water as far as the eye can see. And I feel for the passengers that aren’t getting to see it in all of its glory.  The fact that one Lake is so huge – let alone all of the Great Lakes. It boggles my mind.

I wish that we could all appreciate the experiences more. I wish we could all be present in our lives. My journey to Lower Michigan is almost complete. I’ve been on the SS Badger since 2 pm.

If you have a brain like mine, it’s hard to focus on anything enjoyable. Enjoyment seems fleeting and confusing. When you can, breathe. Breathe in the air. Hug a friend. Call a  family member that you love.

Live the life of many experiences. Take it in while you can.