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Different
I’m going to change things up quite a bit. I want to recount the things that have been great for me since 2020. Yes, can you believe it? Starting in 2020, I started to change. Personally. I started to see things. Differently. First off, I have always been one anxious monkey. I’m always thinking people…
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What If I Said It?
What if I told you that every day, I lost my sense of security in the world that I knew. The family I knew was crumbling and I just lost to the house? Right? I don’t think people wanted to remember. I could be haunting them. Me, Dianne, our Mom. Dianne would never see anything…
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Everyday, I’m Terrified
I began to realize lately that: Everyday, I’m terrified by the world around me. Okay: I’m going to unpack this Are you ready? Did that person or persons look at me? Did they think a negative thought about me? Is that person (s) talking about me? I look awful, I feel awful. I want to…
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Feelings about Monday
I don’t want to go to work. I know I’m like most Americans that way. It’s not like I’m bad at my job. It’s not like people treat me badly. Most people probably like me or tolerate me. And that’s okay. If they don’t like me .. whatever. I just don’t feel safe in my…
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What would I say to my 15 Year Old Self, Today.
Hi Janet. Yes, you were a pain. You were in severe pain. Your life was a hellscape starting at 11 years old when Dianne died. Mom was broken. Dad, disconnected. Mom could only do it for herself, generally. She tried to engage me. And every time she did, I grabbed on with all my might.…
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How To Be in a Family
It’s been a long time since I’ve connected with anyone from my family. Either side. It’s not a lack of interest. It’s because I’m terrified. I saw what the result of misbehaving got me as a teenager. And while the results were mostly silent, judgment, and shunning… You might as well have permanently injured a…
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Strength Costs
The expectation of strength comes at a cost sometimes. For example: with the gene mutation (RYR2), it’s recommended not to get too stressed or over exert. I don’t think anyone really knows how hard it is to be a person and not to do more than they should. Having mental health issues and a past…
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New Therapist: Similar thoughts, kind of..
I just had to stop seeing my therapist through my employee assistance program. For a program that is offered through my employee, I was blessed! I’ve worked for larger companies (by far) and gotten less personal, less personalized care and consideration for my stress and life. I was beyond impressed. I will miss her. (My…
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Every day…..
I’m really struggling every day. I go to work before the sun rises. I get to work and do my job without issue. Hardly anyone speaks to me during the day. I feel like I’m sitting in my bedroom as a 15 year old kid. Mind you, I’m not easy into consideration. First off, what…
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I Think, for Tonight…
It’s hard to walk around angry. It’s hard to feel depressed. And it’s scary to try to go deeper, to understand the layers. The context, true evaluations without my own personal nods. I had to see things. In places where I wouldn’t have normally found them. I have family. They are (insert names here) And…
PTSD, My Life, My Changes 