I had all my teeth removed by the time I was in my 20’s. I didn’t exactly care for myself. Depression and poverty. Not fun times. Insurance will cover removal of teeth at $0 copay to over $1000 for a root canal and crown. I had two kids and a husband. I had no money. And dental wasn’t covered under medicaid. Gawd bless Medicaid.

I have struggled with trying to identify why I am the way I am. I’ve thought ad nauseum over this. Eventually, I realized that emotional neglect was a thing. Of course, I didn’t look too far into it because… well, wtf? And now, today… I’m concerned. Follow me here.

I was offered a chance to take on a management role at work. I accepted and was thrilled with the transition. What I wasn’t thrilled about are some of the ways my mind reacted when I started trying to integrate into the role. I was freaked out by talking to other people that I didn’t interact with on a day to day basis. My manager would give me direction and I’d hear parts of what he’d be saying and I’d only be able to process so much. Eventually I lost what he was saying and I’d freeze when I was asked a question. This happened often. And every Monday morning (if not every day), I hated going to work. I knew I was not going to be able to do what was expected of me. I knew I was going to be a disappointment. I knew I was going to be a hot mess all day. And I was.

So, yesterday comes about. My floor manager has a prospect for me. She notices first that I’m not my normal self. And she’s right. I’ve been very downtrodden since my last therapy session the Friday prior. I was a wreck. And I couldn’t get out of that hole afterwards. I was angry, scared, sad, annoyed… etc. I admitted that some of what I deal with were really starting to come out in therapy and the job that I was tasked with caused me to be triggered. I had no idea that would happen until the job was begun. So my floor manager offered me an opportunity to take on the Quality Assurance position. If I accepted, I would start training the upcoming Monday. I accepted and thanked her. And I meant it.

After that, I had a hard time regulating my emotions. I couldn’t really trust myself that I knew what had just happened. I felt angry because I felt like I was now being told that I wasn’t good enough. That I was actually demoted. And the fact that my church family and some of my actual family didn’t want me (or that I perceived they didn’t want me) meant that this was going to be a continuing saga in my life. I wanted to quit my job. I wanted to walk out and be done with all of them. I KNEW I couldn’t do it. I told people I couldn’t do it. And, now they knew. And now this individual I’m not a fan of is doing the job I was originally tasked on taking. And that pissed me off, so badly. You have no idea. (Just wait until he goes to jail again… for the 4th time since he started in 2020). I finished my day that day. I just wanted to come home to process my emotions. Eric was going out to the farm that day, so I was going to be on my own and I could do it. Unfortunately, that’s not exactly how it worked out. A friend stopped by … I was angry at the sight of her car. I know this friend hasn’t been able to get out much because of physical symptoms that have left her isolated. So, I tried to just be okay with it and let it ride.

My husband tried to come and ask if I wanted a hug. I went off on him. I sat and sulked … I wanted to cry. I wanted to lose my mind. I wanted to erupt. I couldn’t do it. Our friend was there… even after my husband left. She offered to leave, but I just dealt with my emotions until she was ready to leave. Then my husband came back from the farm a few minutes later. I had no time to process what had happened. By 7 pm, I was in the shower and heading up to bed. Normal routine – since 4 am comes very quickly. (I really love sleep!)

I’ve been going to a prosthodontist to get new dentures. I’ve been trying for this for a while. The bulk of my dental insurance went to the removal of the implants that remained. So very little of the actual dentures was covered. At least this means I have a medical/dental tax deduction for this calendar year! I’m also taking ozempic now. This will be the third week that I’ve been on it. I’m looking forward to the eventual weight loss. And the prosthodontist assured me that the top denture would potentially need to be relined with weight loss. The bottom denture would be fine. No replacement needed. YAY! It took a bit for me to feel comfortable with the prosthodontist – but I will tell you, she’s good. Really good.

So… it’s Wednesday, at the moment. And since I couldn’t process my emotions yesterday, I went in to work a hot mess again. I had to try to convince myself to just get through lunch. And if I could do that, I could get through the end of the day. By 10:30 am, I was trying to stifle the tears. EVERYTHING in me wanted to run out of work. No one wanted me. I was a failure. I was demoted. I was not good enough. This was just a way to get my hopes up and then smash them again. And more than anything, I wanted to go to my friend Shannon’s house and collapse in her arms in tears. I just wanted someone to be there to comfort me. Since I was a basket case yesterday, my husband slept on the couch. So.. yea.

The phrase “fake it till ya make it” was exactly how I got through today. When my floor manager asked me a question, I didn’t get angry or become spiteful. I responded appropriately and kept going on with my day. When the assistant manager told me the half day I have tomorrow for my appointment was approved, since he hadn’t told me up until then – all the anger and resentment I was feeling towards him (feeling like he set me up for failure, etc) kind of went away. When people actually talked to me, I felt like I mattered. And I didn’t get demoted. I chose to step back and evaluate sanely what was going on in my head. Truthfully, I took a shot. I tried. And while my mind was spiraling at a very fast pace, I had to figure out what was real and what was perceived. I wanted to have a chip on my shoulder. I’ve also been with the company for five years. Who is to say that I will not like Quality? That I won’t be more successful there. I don’t know that I won’t. Getting angry and resentful won’t change anything. At least for the positive. So I’m trying to step back and realize that I didn’t fail. I recognized that maybe this was not the right role for me. At this time. I have to be kind to myself. The fact that I was offered a different position within the company and NOT going back to my original job prior to the promotion, that still meant something. That they still believe in my potential. They still want me. And I want to be wanted.

I got home today and I apologized to my husband. I explained everything and tried to make it right. It took a bit, but things are better. I’m mostly better.

I know there are people in my life that probably think I’m a drama queen and they likely reject the position that I was neglected at all. I didn’t need money, I needed my Dad. I desperately needed him. And while I didn’t get why he couldn’t be what I needed then, I get it more now. Time has a way of showing things. It doesn’t repair what happened. That’s for fucking therapy. I have another therapy session this week. I’m not looking forward to it after how it worked out last week. However, this will never get better. I will never get better. I try too hard, I try to be a perfectionist, I do not ask for help, I am so very critical of myself. I hate myself.

Today was the worst day I’ve had in a long time. And I hope that was the last time I feel that desperate. That hurt. That alone.

To encapsulate what emotional neglect looks like in an adult (after effects), watch the video I’ve provided. There are probably many more videos on youtube if you would like more information. I’m just learning about this myself, really. If you know me and deny my reality – my question to you: Were you there? If you were, how much did you see? If not, move along.

Again; This is my place. This is where I feel safe to store my feelings. I’m not asking for permission. I’m giving permission to myself. And no one can take that away.