PTSD hasn’t been recognized for that long, clinically. PTSD is recognized globally as a Mental Health Diagnosis. It’s become part of the DSM in the United States in the 1980’s. Although it’s been described for approximately 3000 years. According to Herodotus’ description of an Athenian soldier that became blind after the Battle of Marathon in 490 BC. Also, in Shakespearean monologue in Henry IV Pt 1 Lady Percy describes her husband’s suffering after experiencing battle. (How PTSD went from ‘shell-shock’ to a recognised medical diagnosis | National Geographic) Otherwise known as ‘Traumatic Hysteria’.

In 1917 during the World War 1 to The Vietnam War, Shell Shock and Combat Fatigue became the terminology. Now, the medical community recognizes this diagnosis as PTSD. So what is it? How do you know if you have it?

According to the National Institute of Mental Health – PTSD generally will present itself within three months from the traumatic event being witnessed. Trauma can be considered any of the following: experiencing combat in wars, witnessing death, or losing someone close to you, sexual assault, domestic violence, neglect, abuse, disaster (Act of God), terrorist attack, or any other serious events. PTSD will present itself in these ways:

1. Re-experiencing symptoms at least once in a month. That includes flashbacks (reliving the event, heart racing, sweating), recurring memories about the event – including dreams, distressing thoughts, and physical signs of stress
2. Avoidance Symptoms at least once in a month. That includes avoiding places, events, or objects that remind of the traumatic event and avoiding thoughts and feelings related to the event.
3. Arousal and Reactivity Symptoms at least two in a month. That includes being easily startled, feeling tense, on guard, or on edge, having difficulty concentrating, difficulty sleeping or staying asleep, feeling irritable, angry, or having aggressive outbursts, engaging in risky, reckless, or destructive behaviors. According to the information on the National Institute of Mental Health, the Arousal and Reactivity symptoms are often constant. They can lead to feelings of stress and anger that may interfere with parts of daily life. Sleeping, eating, or concentrating.
4. Cognition and Mood Symptoms at least two in a month. That includes trouble remembering key features of the traumatic event, negative thoughts about oneself or the world, exaggerated feelings of blame directed towards oneself and others, ongoing negative emotions such as guilt, anger, or shame, loss of interest in previous activities, feelings of social isolation, and difficulty feeling positive emotions such as happiness or satisfaction. Cognition and mood symptoms can begin or worsen after a traumatic event. They can lead people to feel detached from family and friends.

Children can show reaction to trauma through play (acting out with dolls about the traumatic events or drawing the traumatic events they’ve experienced), wetting the bed after being potty trained, forgetting how to talk or unable to talk, and being unusually clingy to adults.

Teenagers show reactions to trauma differently and progress into adulthood without proper treatment and social and medical support. Older children show disruptive, disrespectful, or destructive behaviors. Older children and teens may feel guilty for not being able to prevent or change the outcome of the traumatic experience and wish for revenge.

With all this being said, I have posted ad nauseum about the types of trauma that I endured. I’ve experienced early childhood losses, Act of God/Fire, being shunned by the people that I grew up with and was supposed to find comfort with and in. In teenage years, I experienced sexual assault, domestic violence, emotional neglect, and trying to figure out how to exist in a world that I just didn’t feel like I belonged in. I didn’t like my church, I didn’t feel like the subjects applied to me. I saw the unfairness, even if others didn’t. I was bullied and harrassed and not protected from what I was doing in the means of trying to find someone who would love me. As I child I also experienced a few traumas within the medical dental communities and a potential almost abduction. So… I think the fact that I have PTSD comes as no shock or surprise.

As an adult, what I experience is this. I am easily startled. If I hear loud unexpected noises, what seems to be confrontation, I panic. I’ve screamed a number of times at work because of things that I determined were unexpected. Since I was a kid, I’ve had to learn how to do for myself. I have held my own insurance – even while getting social assistance through medicaid and medicare. I’ve had panic and anxiety attacks. I worry about losing everyone that I have a strong connection with whether through disease, illness, or just abandonment. I cry… a lot. I avoid pleasurable things such as social interactions because I’m afraid of being judged unfairly. I’ve had to be responsible for two children, one of which experienced trauma herself in early childhood. She was diagnosed with RAD and eventually, as an adult (although around 15/16 years old was speculated to have) Borderline Personality Disorder. During the experience of parenting that child, we all became hostages in our own home. She pierced herself with notebook spiral, she scratched at her skin, made many comments about suicidal ideation which led to multiple inpatient hospitalizations. My husband, youngest daughter, and I were all up to … whatever our future BPD child would offer to us. Sanctuary was never home. I even died, for a time. RYR2 Gene Mutation. So…… here we go!

I have been told by someone I love that my experience of childhood isn’t what I think it is. I’ve been denied being validated because of how it may either look socially OR because they don’t see it that way. Despite the fact that it was not their lived experience. And I always looked to this person because I love them. The more I was told that I was attention seeking and that I was selfish, the more I just turned that off.

Everyone in life wants to be treated like an equal. What they like is good. As long as it doesn’t hurt anyone, cause legal implications, or disturb the peace. I liked the New Kids on the Block. Millions of kids did in the late 80’s – 90’s. I caught so much shit for liking them that to this day I refuse to listen to their music. The New Kids on the Block were so popular at the time – their popularity was compared to The Beatles and their rise to fame. Did I deserve to be Gordy’d, nope. I was though. (if you don’t get that, you don’t get it).

I didn’t want to go to church. I didn’t want to feel ostracized from my community. I was sheltered, confused, and terrified. And what I did makes sense in the context of PTSD. I was not having sex with people to hurt my dad, to embarrass him, or to make a mockery of everything that I learned. I was so embroiled by the multiple traumas from age 14-19 that I felt I was always going to be on the offensive. By the time Ashleigh started acting up and we had to protect Darrian from her own sister, I was checking out. I was working, going to school, trying to raise my children the best way I knew how being impoverished. And somehow I was still supposed to stop being this way.

I made plans with a friend one day while my children were still young. I remember seeing a few firetrucks whiz passed our vehicle on our way home from the grocery store. The fire trucks had their sirens on and the lights. It triggered this intense sense of danger that I recognized very well. I drove home and dove under the covers and cried my eyes out. I had to have my husband cancel my plans with our friend because I was re-experiencing something that had happened many years ago.

I have had this sense of … strong/severe feeling of requirement to be independent. I had to. There was no other option. Who was supportive of me? Who called me, aside from my brother Tim. Everyone else was dangerous to me. I suspected all of their reasonings for talking to me. I felt like at any moment they’d turn on me. Treat me horribly and I’d be back to square one. Had I had a nurturing environment, I probably would have been able to turn the page more easily. Instead, over 20 years later – I’m finally finding my footing. Not without a cost.

I made choices, yes. I would also argue that I was trying to meet a need that wasn’t being fulfilled. It wasn’t about sex. It was about feeling connected with someone. And I made terrible decisions. It wasn’t until later that I realized how dangerous they were.

I was in the psych unit with a woman who was diagnosed as having Multiple Personality Disorder (now Dissociative Identity Disorder). She was diagnosed as having 15 mapped out personalities. From how she reported it to me, most of them were destructive through cutting. One in particular would drive an extended time and she’d be completely unaware. And while DID is a very controversial diagnosis according to the DSM, the way that I understand it is that when the extreme trauma happens, the brain tries to help the person experiencing the trauma. The way the brain helps is it defends against attack by splitting. While I don’t know the exact way it works, that is how I remember it. Freud discussed defense mechanisms. The brain takes over in its way to try to figure how to mitigate the damage that’s occurred to the psyche. It’s not a specific cognitive process. I didn’t exactly think about how to screw myself over and in turn have lots of material to complain about years later with no particular end in sight. I’m not manipulative. The problem with disorders is that there is a problem about how one maneuvers their lives AFTER said trauma(s)..

There are ways to help a person with mental illness. There are many organizations that are operating to assist people with mental illness. Regardless of whether it’s acute or complex, people are there. I think the way I see it now is that people didn’t know how to deal with their own reactions to the trauma and therefore didn’t really know how to deal with me and how it fits within the pattern of mental illness.

I’m trying to find my footing. I’ve been deemed Employee of the Year at American Tent, so I figure that has to offer up a decent raise in my upcoming evaluation. It also says a lot about the growth potential for me there and anywhere else I choose to go (If I choose to go elsewhere). I want to help people, but first I have to help myself. I can’t just say .. well, the doctor says I have something and just take a few meds to mitigate that mental damage. I have to say that I am good enough. For now. I have made it through a tremendous amount of stress. And within the last few weeks I have made movements that I thought were impossible. For example: I’ve made an Airbnb reservation for my husband, myself, and our two dogs in Upper Michigan to visit my brother Brian and his family. I’m looking forward to creating a different version of memories to combat what memories were unpleasant. My husband was listening to a new school record player yet playing an old school record and I cried like a baby. It reminded me of a time past. A time that was good. With my family members – even though all the memories are blotchy at best. And the fact that I was listening to the album on the record player with my husband with whom I love with all my heart. I was taking painful memories and making new memories. It was amazing. And depressing at the same time.

I have come to a point in my life where I believe I’m able to forgive those people who didn’t come to my side when I needed them. I’m able to, more importantly, forgive myself. Allowing the idea that maybe others looked at me without the ability to understand the depth of what I was going through isn’t their fault. Families don’t always talk about what sucks. Look at Facebook, for example. Most times people show off and capture what is great about their lives. They don’t express their depression, sadness, and angst against the world. And sure, there is a portion of that too, no doubt. It’s just a way to try to manipulate others to think their lives are enviable.

I’m not the person who just says… MY LIFE IS GREAT! Look how awesome I am. Look what I have! Look where I’ve been! Look at me, look at me! I explain, for the most part (especially on this blog) who I am and why I am the way I am. People don’t have to agree with me, but they also have the benefit of being removed from my experience of life. And I readily admit that my perception hasn’t been on point either. The fact that my perception became flawed as a direct result of my depression and further trauma.

My name is Janet. And I’m a person. A good person. I love knowing that I can learn new skills. I can operate under my own processes and plans. I can love, I can enjoy my life, and I can engage with people who accept me for the person I am. I don’t believe that anyone can be perfect. That’s not reasonable. And as much as I try to strive to be perfect at work, with my husband and dogs, or onlookers, I know that my faults will come into play. I’ve never been good at asking for help. I think it’s possible that no one is good at asking for help. I do need help. I need the love of my family and my friends. I need them to help me know what about me is good, even when I don’t seem the most receptive. I need hugs, acceptance, and a feeling of connection – just like everyone else.

I have a good life. I believe there is a creator. I believe in Mother Earth. I believe in the general kindness of people. I believe in the fact that I am stronger because of how I’ve lived and will continue to live. I love the outdoors. I love nature in bloom (not the allergies that are accompanied by it… or .. ew… bugs… mostly). I love knowing that there is a major great lake right down the hill from where I live. And I love knowing that tomorrow I can wake up and know that I have people who love me and support me.

I cannot express how good that feels. And I hope it’ll last.

(also quoted directly from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder – National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) (nih.gov)

If you would like to hear a podcast episode about PTSD and it’s origins as well as informational goodies, check out the ‘Stuff You Should Know’ Podcast about PTSD from 2019. The link: Stuff You Should Know | iHeart