If I close my eyes, I can envision a place that doesn’t exist right now. A peaceful place. Even serene. The children I had being “normal” children. And my husband and I being “normal parents/normal partners”. Whenever I close my eyes, I see the beach. The shore. The waves rolling over the rocks and the sand. I see pleasure. Simple ones. I feel the breeze take over my senses. The smell of lake fresh water with a titch of human sweat and hormones. During this time that my eyes are closed – I see Ashleigh and Darrian making sand castles. They can’t exactly agree on a concept of what the castle should look like, yet they know it is imperative to make one when by the lake. They hug each other to acknowledge a job well done and run towards the lake to finally swim. I look into Eric’s eyes and thank him, and kiss him, for being a part of this family. We lay back and bake in the sun’s warmth. Nothing, and I say nothing, can weaken this amazing moment in time. We live for the strength that we all give towards one another. We live for the moments that regard reality with fiction. We live to wake up another day and say, let’s do this!

When I open my eyes again, the beach is gone. Same with my husband, my children, and the sun. I am greeted by stale smell of the air conditioning doing its job. The romantic nature of what I thought of in my nearly meditative moments – it felt real enough. I wanted to grasp on to those children, to that husband. I wanted to grasp so I could never let those moments or people go.

The reality of my life is that – I stretched the pre-conceived notion of what my family wanted for me. I achieved (somewhat) what my parents wanted for me. What the trauma interjected, I’m trying to move beyond. However, I have the 2.5 kids (if you count Eric). Ashleigh is panhandling in *I believe* Columbus, Ohio. Darrian has been worry free and body free since – nearly seven years ago. My husband is an aggitating and wonderful combination of pain, intelligence, and desire to connect in the ways he can. In 20 years, I’ve seen him through all manner of things. As has he.

I feel like this blog has to somewhat change its tag line. When I first started it, it was a process of learning about me. What the hell and who the hell am I? I’ve been able to determine that aside from the physical nature of who I am – I am smart. I am funny. I am – inappropriately funny. I am – not willing to give up. I am – a fighter. I am – nature. I am – the choir and the chords from above and below. And beyond all things, I care. I care about so many people. And frightened by the perceived curse they bring with themselves. Even if that perceived curse doesn’t exist – in my mind, it does. And I have to fight my natural instincts to bury my head in the sands.

I have some semblence of confidence. it’s still in progress, like many things – but wow. I am fabulous!

Today is my 20th wedding anniversary with my husband, Eric. He has seen me through all my evolutions. I have changed my stripes. I have come out from behind the bars of my own self persecution. I have looked upon – the future.

For me, right now, I see things that I didn’t imagine. Being able to be somewhat (mostly) self sufficient. I can accomplish my goals and not be afraid of change. (mostly) I’m afraid of people, yet I look them in the eyes and say, hello. And when they nod or return the greeting, I feel better. I exist to not only myself. To them as well. And they are not repulsed by me the way I anticipated. They laugh appropriately. They get agitated appropriately. Everything they react to – regarding me, makes sense. I realize that to some extent, everyone is faking it. If people are not completely secure with themselves – they seem to make it appear as they are.

I recently stood in a protest/march for abortion/women’s rights. I made my own sign, and I stood with protesters. It was amazing. I’ve mentioned my view of the unborn. It’s up to you to deterimine your own feeling. I held my sign with pride, with conviction. And honestly, I was proud to consider myself along with the greats of the protesters through time. Granted, I don’t have funds to support a grand protest process. I do feel more connected to them. And that makes me feel like my life is in the right direction.

At one time, I never would have stood across from my supposed opposition and said, no… I don’t buy what you’re selling. I never would have exposed my disagreement to the “establishment” – if you can call Kewaunee – “the establishment”. It’s just what I consider it anyway. All hamlets have to have people that make laws, rules, boundaries. Even my own. And in my own “Janet way”, I spoke my truth. Not concerned what anyone else thought (okay, maybe a little….). I just said, this is what I think. And either you say… yea or not.

I’m in a paradigm shift of my own making at present. I’d love your feedback. And if you feel like you can understand this in your own life, please comment. I would love to know your journey.

Thank you!

Janet