It all seems so surreal. As if it’s not me, but I know it is. My world feels absolutely upside down. I’m finding my voice again.

I’ve begun to realize, despite saying it all these years that I’m not the sum of my parts. I’ve held on to this anger from so very long ago. Thinking I needed some recompense for how I was treated as a kid. Adults should have known how to be better to be, after all…. They were adults and I wasn’t. I held onto that anger like it was a badge of honor. All that time, I thought I had to in order to heal. And honestly, I am not the victim anymore. I threw the badge away. It didn’t serve me anymore.

I’ve been seeing a new therapist, listening to some different podcasts that are more uplifting, and I’ve just been trying to see things differently. Through my therapy, I’ve been asked to really examine the legitimacy of my thoughts. I thought I was seeing the big picture before. And I wasn’t. I was seeing what I allowed myself to see, as the victim. As the hurt child. Not the capable adult. I know what I need for me, to some extent. I’m still learning.

Realize that this new found freedom comes with complications, however. Now I’m thinking in a completely foreign way. As easy as it might seem to accept the ‘new’ reality, it’s not. Depressing thoughts still kick in and try to fog my path. I have to recognize the negativity and fight it. At least until the negativity goes to sit in the corner (brooding) where it belongs. Depression and negative self talk became so regular that it didn’t need reinforcing anymore. It just did it by rote. Now I need to practice self love and be patience while I attempt to heal. Not to self sabotage. Which, self sabotage could be quite easy, given the right actions.

It’s said that it takes twenty one days to create a new habit within yourself. I’m not exactly sure if that’s right. Here are some things I’m trying to do: I’m trying to be more in the moment with Eric. I put my phone down and talk to him. I’m taking breaks in between chores that I need to get done. That way, I can relax and take care of my desire to relax at the same time. I’m doing a little cooking on the weekend and I’m trying to do little things to be helpful.

I believe that I’m finding that I’m a feminist, or believe in feminism. I feel passionate about taking care of the environment and how to save it. I love and respect animal kind. I want to preserve history, yet not to be doomed to repeat it. For now, I think it’s it

Love and … More to come.