I find myself increasingly involved in electronic distractions. Instead of involving myself in things that adults should do, I play cell phone and tablet games. Then when all that fails, ps4 Diablo 3. I’ve beat the game … 3 times now and am playing segments in Torment 1 mode. I feel like as part of my healing, I’m supposed to figure out what I need. Not what I want. I’m so overwhelmed by it all.

After dealing with Ashleigh post funeral for my grandson, Benjamin – I found myself in a DEEP depression. I ate a half gallon ice cream in no time, easy. Because it felt good, until I felt icky inside because I know I shouldn’t have. I have no self control. I probably should practice it, honestly. It’s just flippin hard! My husband tells me that he feels like he has to be my mom in trying to keep me focused on what is needed vs what what is desired. And honestly, as upset as I was at him in the moment – he’s right. He tries to tell me in a loving way from time to time, but generally speaking it goes out the window. And for that, I’m a sucky wife. In other ways, I’m pretty awesome.

I think, if I am being brutally honest with myself, I’m falling into patterns of both my mom and my dad. My mom, in the eating. My dad, in the going to work and expecting things to be done for you. Let’s face it, I’ve worked all day. I’m flustered with not being able to add in my own feedback when he asks for it. I feel like I’m being put on the hot seat. It feels like my brain stops in the moment. Like, frozen. Then there’s a part of me from time to time that feels like even if I think of something – it’ll be pushed out because it’s going to be viewed as stupid. My self esteem is so poor that I feel like any input I have is garbage. Aside from Eric (for the most part), I don’t have anyone who helps me feel like my stuff matters. It’s very confusing.

Now with Covid-19, I’m sitting on the phone with my therapist and not doing any trauma work. I feel like when I talk to her there is never enough time to do the work that is needed. By the time I get done blathering about how I feel, she has enough time to wrap things up and schedule a new appointment. She might put some feedback in… but it feels more like I’m talking to a friend than a therapist. So I don’t know if I’m getting the benefit of therapy that I need. And part of me feels like it’s scary to think about. I don’t want to find another therapist. UGH! Honestly, it wouldn’t matter though, really. No one really knows how long Covid-19 is going to last. New president or not.

My husband is super creative, and that is awesome. I have gotten into diamond painting a bit. It’s fun because it quiets my mind down so I can relax. On the other hand, I get so distracted with electronics that I tend to find myself not wanting to do the diamond paintings because all the other games on my cell and tablet are more visually stimulating. I’ve mentioned different crafts that I could do, but then I fall out and I chalk that up to fear of failure. I don’t have anyone to teach me the craft that I’m looking at trying… and I don’t have money to cough up for a tutor – even an online one after the bills are paid. If I look online for ideas, I get overwhelmed because EVERYONE has a different way. And I never quite know how to find one that will work for me. I have a sewing machine here and I would love to be able to use it. Yet it’s the same problem. I don’t have patterns, I don’t have a teacher, and I am afraid of failure. UGH! How do I make things work? I’m not even sure how to coordinate my thought processes!

Anyway, I think that’s enough for now.

Thank you for reading. Feedback is always appreciated too!