I lost my sister, my childhood home, my mother – all by the time I was 14 years old. And when I say my mother – she was in a vegetative state. So while she was there physically – that was it. And my father was distant. Disconnected and grieving. I was set up to fail by that point. Not because my dad didn’t love me, but because there was just too much that was happening that none of us could adequately cope.
I have spent years bitching and complaining about those that I’ve lost – relationship wise. The damage I felt my church and my disconnection from it caused me. I’ve spent years blaming “God” for every failure that has come to pass. I’ve engaged in one destructive relationship after another until I finally got it right. Or at least that’s what the near 18 years as taught me.
My confidence is growing, but very slowly. I’ve emerged showing that I can be a person of my own design and not what my circumstances tell me about myself. I’ve quit smoking, lost some weight, gained it back, got pissed., and lost weight again. Not the end of the story by any means. I have consistent anxiety about my relationships that I have. I believe that I’ve pushed people away because I didn’t ever feel like anyone got me. I felt like I always had to explain myself and justify why I was hurt. I felt like everything needed to be talked about, regardless of if we really did need to or not.
I am thoroughly trying to change a corner to be an adult for a change. At 43 years old, you’d think I’d have this nailed down to some extent. As you would imagine, I’m making up for lost time. I currently have two jobs. My primary job had to dramatically reduce my hours because of the impact with the Covid-19 virus and I made up for it by getting hired at a company that will let me work 30 hours a week to supplement my income. And congratulations to me, but I’m FINALLY off of social security! I’ve been on it since … oh, 2009 maybe? Hell, about three years ago – my husband and I got off foodstamps. We’ve been legitimately paying for our own food and it’s annoying, but it feels good.
I think my change in attitude started after I started working at Aloft. The people there are just so good to me (for the most part). I like the management and they have decent benefits. As it stands, they’re paying completely for mine and my husbands insurance coverage during this Covid-19 stuff. What a relief. I’d be working there JUST to pay off my insurance deductions. That would be a drag. If you asked me about how I accept a compliment about what I do or have done – I don’t. And I saw this trait in my brother Tim as well. I suspect it goes the same with Brian, too. I just don’t talk to him as much as Tim. He’s just very reserved. I started to listen to myself when I’d be talking to my friends or my family and everything was me.. me … me. And you guessed it, me. It seems I’ve established a pattern. I’ve been trying to ask my siblings about their lives within the last few months. How their children are doing (despite them mostly being grown and on their own). I still have work to do because of my inferiority complex. I feel like anyone that is older than me (generally speaking) MUST be better than I am. More stable than I am. Less fucked up than I am.
I’ve been trying to change what I’ve been consuming. Though the pop train returned to the station. Mountain Dew Zero is wonderful. Diet Dew? Blah! This is just soo much better. I’m trying to return to drinking more water. The only problem is… it tastes like… nothing. So that limits my desire to drink it. I love being able to have some type of flavor to go with my nothing.
I don’t know if this is going to be my continual state of thought/consciousness. Generally, I can go through a period of clarity where I understand my failings in weight loss, I can balance my understanding of my psyche, I can figure out how to adult (to an extent). And then my broken self comes out again. It’s as if I’m more reactive – but not in an outwardly self destructive way, more inwardly self destructive. I get lazy and I rationalize my laziness. I become angry at the world and retreat into myself. My insecurities become so much more apparent and I require more from my husband than I typically do. When I have a clear sense of focus, I can become independent and LOVE that independence. When I’m not, I need to latch on to everything that gives me a sense of importance. I’ve even thought about hugging a tree once. And not in the hippie dippy way, either. Just because I needed contact with SOMETHING. And though a tree won’t nurture me in the same way a human will… it won’t fight back or tell me to go away. It won’t get an attitude and tell me that it doesn’t feel like it or doesn’t want to be touched.
I have begun to see things in a different light with the platitude
“Everything happens for a reason”
When Darrian was in the hospital with a DNR (Do not recuscitate) order on her, I remember hearing a friend of Darrian’s mother saying that platitude. I told the next person I was close to that if I heard that one more time, I’d drop them. I was, obviously, angry. What parent wouldn’t be? When I was a kid, I heard that platitude a lot. And now I come to understand that a platitude is a way for a helpless bystandar to try to say something consoling to a loved one going through something that just cannot be controlled. At the best of times, our abilities to strengthen others is limited. So certain catch phrases will be used in a “comforting” way so you don’t sit in uncomfortable silence and make things inevitably worse. Not only does it hopefully help the receiver of the platitude, but it helps the person giving an opportunity to feel like they’re doing right by their loved one/friend/coworker, etc.
My understanding of this platitude comes from my new temp job and my current normal job.
When I first started at the hotel three years ago, I was entering the workplace for near to the first time since I started on Social Security Disability. I was nervous, but I needed to do something that made me feel like I had a purpose. After Darrian had died and I started to build myself up again enough to do this, it took a long time to acclimate and even adapt to my surroundings. I was constantly putting pressure on myself to achieve a level of perfection that most people just can’t do. I wanted to that important person to my boss and my coworkers. And more important yet, even establishing an understanding of “no laundry, no business”. Eventually I became proud of where I worked. Not just because I was doing a job that is underappreciated by most – but because the people I worked with and for had a certain energy and competency in fulfilling their job. Some people were more difficult to work with … but that’s anywhere. After a while of working at the hotel, I started using a fit bit to track my steps. I became excited once I realized that I was getting more than your average 10k steps in each day that I worked. And while I didn’t believe my husband when he told me that if I could quit smoking cold turkey, that I could do anything…. I eventually lost 50 lbs. I was eating and drinking right. I was even getting out and exercising. And when I did walk, I felt a sense of connection to nature and all of its beauty and attributes. I felt alive. I felt like for once, I had a purpose. I felt strong.
The problem is, we all get lazy and find ourselves feeling like we just want to give up and not do the things that we once did because despite depression being completely debilitating at times – it’s something I’ve known most of my life. And being a competent human being is not something I know well. I retreat back to the victimization that I’ve grown to understand – even though it does not benefit me one iota. And for anyone that doesn’t understand this – let me put it another way. Depression can make you feel like you are under attack. Everything and anyone can hurt you at any time, so you need to protect yourself. You’re hurt.. you’re sad… and whatever else fits into this. So, say you’re in this mode. You don’t understand depression, exactly. You’re in the desert. You’re not a survivalist like Bear Grillis, but you’ve run out of water. You’ve been walking under intense heat and you’re weakening. There is nothing for miles except rocks/bluffs/cacti/weeds/and a lot of background that gets you nowhere. The depression (without the fight or flight mode) will just tell you to lay down and let nature take its course. You’re tired and you’ve done all you can but there is nothing more you can do. The person with undeniable depression won’t try to exert more than they feel they can. Just surrender because they just have nothing more they can give. The strength in the normal person will say, examine your surroundings. Can I get water from a cactus? If so, how without harming myself? The person that has no depression will try to rationalize and think things through. I often wonder if people that are more right brained get depression more often. I don’t know… that’s just me and that’s all I know.
Long story short, the hotel brought me the understanding that I could lose weight. It made me feel confident in my abilities. And when I started this new job, although my eating didn’t resolve.. I started to gain confidence in different way. I knew when I was working at the hotel that my arms and the flab on the upper arms was NOT flattering. One of my work shirts I got exposes that very flaw – but I didn’t try to work out again. I lost the desire to work out. Or even exercise outside of work for the most part, unless weather was nice. I was at my 30 hour p/week temp job and found myself telling one of the superviors that I don’t have a lot of upper body strength. He tells me, that working this job… that’ll change.
Suddenly I started to think about that platitude.
Everything DOES happen for a reason: Be very careful how you define the reason.
When my mom was in the coma, when I lost friends and family, when the house fire happened. My reason – eventually, was me. I was as math says: is the common denominator. And that brought another level of depression that I can’t quite explain. And when Darrian died – it was just confirming for me that I was somehow, cosmically to blame. Hell, even after my husband and I moved to Kewaunee. A few of my neighbors had aneurysms within a period of two years. Did I consider that it was a strange set of coincidences? Nope. I was the common denominator. I blamed myself.
Wow… that’s a lot to blame onesself for. Thinking back on it, that’s a lot of power to harness for one mortal being. In all of my life, I’ve wanted to be the most moral and ethical person . I have wanted to show the good qualities in me to everyone else so I would receive love and affection. And with the time that I saw my father taking care of my mother and me, I wanted to take care of others in return. Kinda paying it forward, I guess.
Again, I’m not sure how long this clarity of mind will last. I know that my new temp job is tough. I’m learning skills that I truly didn’t know how to do before. And I’ll still need help figuring out how to be competent at completing them. Things are pushing me in one direction or another to help me feel like I can adult. And even though it gets overwhelming at times, I’m trying to manage it as best as I can.
Love,
Me
Learning about Me 
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