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What Was I Like, Before (and after)?
I was supposed to graduate in the mid 90’s. By 1989, I had been diagnosed by my physician as having major depression. I didn’t particularly like my life. I was shuttled to doctors appointments regularly. In town and to Wisconsin to see a specialist every year. I had learning difficulties. I couldn’t understand math. What…
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When I Look Inward…
… What I see is someone that is terrified. And generally successful. In my own way. I wrote a friend from childhood a letter. She appreciated it, from what she told me. And I’m grateful. While I’m a person with the use of words, to an exhausting extent… It’s not because I just woke up…
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No one ever asks for this
It’s true. I never imagined myself feeling like I was going to be a 15 year old until … Probably, now? (guess how old I actually am? Hint: I’m a few decades from 15 years old.) I have been living my life feeling like I’ve had to defend myself. For making bad decisions. For disappointing…
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What I Tell Myself….
I’ve largely not spoken about.. To some extent… How PTSD impacted me. I could be wrong. Just in case I’m not, here goes. I’m terrified of conflict. I will avoid at all costs. I hate loud/sudden sounds. And I work in manufacturing… Oof. I’m always thinking that no one (including my husband) would want me.…
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Saying Goodbye, Saying Hello.. (Again)
I have been trying to evaluate things. My life. What’s important to me. Who I am, exactly. I came to a deep reflection today about myself. I’m not living my life. I’m living my life remembering bad things and relating them to experiences in my current life. I don’t see things around me and I…
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PTSD – Floor Jansen
This song is from Floor Jansen’s first solo album. It’s a powerful anthem discussing PTSD. While I enjoy her style better in Nightwish, she’s an incredible talent.
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Emotions – Anxiety + 10
I think it’s fair to say that there are expectations. Expectations for manners, behaviors, attitudes, driving, well.. living. One thing that I can say is that my anxiety has driven me to worry about everything. Last Thursday, I was so angry when I got home from work. One of my sewing coworkers was on vacation…
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Letting Go…. Not 15 Years Old Anymore
I’ve had PTSD for quite a while now. I guess I didn’t realize how my brain changed during my traumatic experiences growing up. And after I grew up… (*kinda*) I have always wanted to be better than I was. Thinking that I was still 15 years old, I saw everyone as not liking me. Or…
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5/18/25. I am finally enough
I look at myself now, and I see things differently. When I was a teenager, I was allowed to do things I should never have done. I made choices to avoid being alone. And my ability to determine who was safe and was not, I had no ability to sense. I saw a very small…
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Teeth, Quality, and Breaking Down
I had all my teeth removed by the time I was in my 20’s. I didn’t exactly care for myself. Depression and poverty. Not fun times. Insurance will cover removal of teeth at $0 copay to over $1000 for a root canal and crown. I had two kids and a husband. I had no money.…
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Learning about Me 