When Darrian was alive, still – I felt like I had the opportunity to be the mother I wanted to be. With Ashleigh in near full psychotic swing at times, we’d all have to sacrifice being “normal” and attend to her issues. It was just how the dynamic had been. Now, in my life, I have a sense of normality. I find a sense of appreciation at work and at home. I feel a connection and importance to what I do when I’m at work and at home. I feel myself connecting to what I need to do to become my optimal self. When Ashleigh climbed back on board in my life (albeit by phone), I felt like my safety was threatened. Even though I haven’t had her threaten me. It was the memories of how I had to put up my proverbial emotional shield.

I might have mentioned that I told her about a therapy option through my employer that she could utilize. She messaged me a few days later after I gave her the info and asked me for the information again. Since I was driving, I couldn’t respond right away. One of the things with her – she has a sense of immediacy. Needing to be responded to right away. After I got back home, I looked at my messages from her again. She messaged me saying something to the effect of: Now that I’m home, you don’t want to have anything to do with me? (Home referencing Wisconsin, not in my home) I felt myself respond akin to how I would have when she lived with us. I felt this intense rush of becoming defensive. Like, fuck you! I was driving. My safety in the moment is more important than answering you! Okay, slow down, Janet….. think about this for a minute. She has abandonment issues and psychiatric issues on top of that. Breathe…. be the bigger person. Do NOT react. And I am not the reactive type anymore. And I need to try not to be the reactive person anymore. So, once I had my sanity back, I responded. I gave her the information. I told her that I had just gotten home from work so I was unable to respond until then. I did NOT apologize. I just stated facts. She said, oh. Okay.

I felt proud of myself in that moment. It showed growth for me with respect to her.

After my week at work, last week, I was exhausted and ready for it to be over. I got a call from her on Friday. She was telling me about how frustrated she was with the homeless shelter. That they wouldn’t hang on to her vape anymore. She seemed like she was trying to escape from the rules. I told her that the rules were not being enforced to make her upset. Or were not created to piss her off because it was only for her. People do not make smart decisions sometimes. And especially vape pens – they can contain THC cartridges and not nicotine (despite what one might say). There are liabilities. The shelter employees answer to the community and to the police about the bad behavior their residents cause. So, rules are required. No matter what. Ashleigh hung up on me. At first, I wasn’t sure if the connection just dropped or if she hung up. After I text to ask her what happened and she didn’t respond for about 10 minutes, I knew my answer. She hung up….

When I realized she had hung up, I was annoyed. I really was. And because of the impact Ashleigh created on all of our lives and my history with PTSD, I was in fight or flight mode. Yet I was fighting that fight or flight mode. Consciously, I knew that she could have taken a different path with me than simply hang up. I guess this was the lesser of many evils. The other aspect of it, she apologized once she did message me again. She said she was just having a really hard time.

When things click into gear like they used to. The flip outs, the hang ups, etc… I start to worry that things will come undone. That she’s going to react and she’s going to hurt me. I put up my protections, so fiercely, so she doesn’t get to me. That’s why I don’t video chat with her. Why I don’t see her in person. If she cannot touch me – If she can’t see me. She can’t hurt me. …. Not entirely true.

I’m working with my therapist to challenge my perceptions with Ashleigh. I know that I need to keep my controls in place, while they make sense to me. I cannot let Ashleigh control me and allow me to live in fear with – getting closer. I could potentially see Ashleigh in person and not let her get the best of me. Or take advantage of me and what I could potentially offer. I hold the cards, not her. And I have to keep that in mind. I can only allow what she says to hurt me. I can only allow her to control me. If I hold my ground, she has no power over me. I am not any different than the person that I am now. I am stronger, better, and I can try to love her – despite her being a difficult individual. I have to figure out what to do – in the moment. I have to accept her for who she is, not who she isn’t. I am willing to walk with her through this – I just need to maintain my personal protections without subjecting myself to unnecessary fears.

Trying to adapt is hard. Growth is hard. Learning is hard. Despite not having Darrian anymore, I can still be the mom that I want to be. I hope that Ashleigh can be the daughter she wants to be, as well.