I’ve come to a crossroads in my life. I’m nearing 45 years old and I’m an empty nester. My husband just recently quit smoking cigarettes – so, that’s happened. We’ve had improvements to our home including getting the electricity in our home updated, insulation in the basement, outer home lined with dirt and rocks to keep moisture from getting into the basement, scraping off old paint that is chipping and repainting … among other things. It’s been a heavy undertaking for my husband at the very least. While all the rocks were being laid around the sides and back of the home, I had just had my ICD replaced. I wasn’t able to contribute much of anything.

I chose to go my own way with the therapist I had been seeing since my original therapist (Jayne) retired. I just didn’t feel like I was making any improvements. And it seemed like I was more paying a friend to listen to me bitch than I was getting direct feedback from her. So I decided to try betterhelp.com. I liked the idea of texting a therapist when I needed and having the benefit of doing online therapy at home (video calls).

My therapist initially pissed me off. Probably was NOT his fault. I was relating information about life experiences with my eldest daughter Ashleigh. It was REALLY hard to go back and relive the experiences and feel those deep hurts again. And he just asked me questions in response. I guess for me, validation is key. So, where I would have liked to hear an… oh man, I’m sorry you went through that. Or, wow, wtf? Something like that, it was …. how did that impact you or some such response. And to me, I felt like he wasn’t validating me. Just a generalized response I could have gotten from anyone. Alas, that evening – in the thick of it and JUST starting with online therapy, I had to ask my husband to comfort me before bed. Otherwise I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to calm down in order to get to sleep for work the following day.

After all this had happened, I still wanted to keep the feelers out to see how this would work. If this truly was his style and if I was going to be sorely disappointed, or if things would improve. My first meeting with my new therapist was amazing. I had gotten emails from betterhelp.com before my first video appointment. I wanted to slam him. Just get bitchy…. because I felt like he got me there and he deserved the bitchy review. I can honestly say, I’m glad I at least waited until I got the video call. Sudden decisions such as that do not make great online reviewers. I’m not a troll. Never will be. Online, or off.

I believe that my new therapist has gotten me to think about things outside of the box, things I guess I half answered over the years. Things that I didn’t follow all the way through about. I.e. : I deserve to feel this way. (Follow through) Why do I deserve to fee that way? Negative self talk is pervasive. Society breeds contempt – not just for each other, but ourselves. Let’s face it, I was a fat kid. I was going to get picked on. So, instead of just kicking a kid in the balls in elementary school – I had to have tools to deal with what happened at that time. Now, I think I have tools.

I’m realizing that I talk far too much about myself. I think once I had someone to say… well, why do you feel that this is valid to you? Or like wise – I was able to follow the thought process through instead of the natural conclusion of stopping at the depressing idea.

I’ve felt like I’ve had an open mind for years about many things. Honestly, I haven’t. I’ve had an open mind about certain things – but turned off to myself. Depression has caused me to feel like all I had was regret and shame. Now, I have a present and a future. And that makes me excited.

Case in point: I’m going to Sturgeon Bay with my in laws today. We’re going to my favorite restaurant there and probably antiquing. I’m going to enjoy my life today! I’ve been up since 5 am, approximately – but I’ve gotten loads of laundry done and drank four cups of coffee. I’ve hand washed dishes, took my dogs out a few times, and tried to just relax for a bit in between bathroom breaks.

While I realized before that happiness is a fleeting emotion, it doesn’t have to be. I’m blessed for the moment that my dad was in my life. Despite my dad not really being an active emotional participant, he got me to reflect on the stars. Since I woke up so early and live in the middle of nowhere, light pollution isn’t such a huge thing. The sky was clear and I could see so much so easily. I just stared in awe and wonder over our universe and our place in it. I can be free.