I believe that it’s really difficult to change a mind set. I was a victim, but now I’m a survivor. There are still times where I revert back into victim mode. Poor me, look at how I suffered. Instead of making circumstances in my life to define me, I’m walking a better truth. Despite all of that, sometimes it’s easy to slip back into the previous mentality. It’s not even that hard to do if you’re trying to redefining your life. All it takes is a thought.

Case in point: I’m working at a different company full time now. The corona virus really messed things up there for so many. Anyhow, I’m doing a new job type that causes me to overanalyze how I’m performing. Negative self talk that I’ve been doing… For ages. (I’m slowing people down, I suck, what is wrong with me? I should be doing better than this.) My co-workers have been super supportive, which is amazing. Becky asked me yesterday how I liked this job in comparison to where I was working in the company previously. I was honest with her about my negative self talk. My feelings of inadequacy. She was amazing and reassured me that I was doing awesome. No matter what I felt, I was helping a great deal.

I don’t know about anyone else, but negative self talk can be the worst. Even worse yet, if someone told you something to make you feel inadequate. Regardless of how the messages got there, unless you fight the good fight and are honest with yourself – it’s painful. Excruciatingly painful. So, my re-evaluation has everything to do with being honest with those around me that I think I’m negatively impacting or mentally challenge myself when I find a potential flaw in my logic.

Sometimes I think I need to put a motivational message at my work station, or on my mirror at home. Something that reminds me that I’m okay. The more I see those things, the more I’ll believe them.

One of the ways I’m trying to help myself is by communicating with one of my uncle’s and aunts that I haven’t communicated with in years. The last two years, they’ve sent me pictures Christmas cards. I felt like maybe they were trying to reach out to me. So, in return, I sent them a three page letter detailing where I’m at now. And with my new perspective at life. I hope they’re happy to receive it. I can only imagine what they might think. I can’t think in a negative fashion… Otherwise my intention goes out the window. My uncle Harvey took a bunch of us to Minnesota Twins games as kids. It meant the world to me. Watching those players on the field, it gave me a different look at what life could be.

My other way of connecting to myself is taking ownership of my musical playlist. As a teenager, I caught so much grief about the music I loved. I surrendered listening to it and began to listen to what other people liked so I wouldn’t have to deal with that extra scrutiny. When I’m commuting to work each day, I’m listening and singing to bands that I love listening to. Jesus Jones, Tiffany, Debbie Gibson, C&C Music Factory, Technotronic, Terrence Trent D’arby, Neneh Cherry… And so many more… I don’t let my tastes be influenced anymore. I need to be who I am.

Right now, in this moment, I have hope for a brighter future. I hope my husband can continue to gain strength in his body and mind. I hope that we can continue to lessen our dependence on plastic so we can lower our impact on the environment. I hope I can find an exercise routine that will work for me. And I hope I can continue to define myself in ways that aren’t disruptive to my mental health.

Many blessings to you all and be kind to your fellow man. (And animals large and small) No one understands anyone’s journey other than ourselves. Rise up to be your own personal champion.