Sometimes it’s hard to imagine that I’m grown up. I pictured myself at this age being so much more put together. And in many ways, I’m as imperfect as everyone else. I work hard, I have thoughts I think are absolutely right and everyone else’s opinions are ridiculous if they don’t match my own, I have a few close friends that I adore beyond reason, and people I’d like to hopefully get closer to. They may or may not be in my life presently.

I think it’s fair to say that I’m just trying to be like everyone else at the end of the day… Getting along.

My biggest problem is, am I wasting my time? Should I be more professionally accomplished? But if I do… That’s at least $16k. I can’t afford that debt. Hell, it’s laughable what I’ve made this year. I’ll spare you the details. Everyone loses though, sometimes.

Why would I be so unique to think the world is against me? Why do I feel like I don’t matter? People can’t take awayb my worth. I decide what my worth is. Don’t I?

Sometimes it hurts remembering that at every moment in development… I’ve had something fuck with me. I won’t review the details. If you know me, you know them. When I needed the most guidance, guidance was lacking. Most people pick themselves up from their boot straps. Generally. They face grief, disappointment, and heartache differently. Maybe more effectively. I don’t want to consider myself so much more different than everyone else.

Example: I was working at the hotel and a few guests asked if the local casino was open. I checked, and they were. They said they were going to try to strike millions. I finished my shift some time later and the following morning I came in to begin another day. I saw the men going to their work vehicle and asked them if they struck millions the last evening. They responded in a tone that confused me. I mean, confused me to the point that it stuck with me.

The one guy responded. Said he wasn’t a millionaire after the night of gambling, but they broke even. The tone in his voice wasn’t one of condescension. It wasn’t annoyed. He sounded like he wanted to have the exchange, and he was pleased by it. By me.

I’ve spent so much of my life internalizing that I’m no good. That I’m defined by my life and the choices that I made back then. I never felt like I could resurface being good enough. Ever. This leaves me in a place I have no idea how to process. This will have to be a two parter.