So, on May 4th, 2020 (Yes, May the 4th be with you… hur hur) I started part time (30 hours per week approx) at American Tent to supplement my income that I’d lost at Aloft. My primary employer for the last three years to this point. I’ve been working in a warehouse carrying, cutting, preparing poles for commercial tents for shipment in one form or another. (Skid/bundle.. etc) I’ve worked with a tough man to make happy named Kenny. And I’d been working my arse off. Matter of fact, I’ve never worked so hard in my entire life to this point – other than children. I think I had to prove myself with Kenny. He had to see that I was worth my weight as an employee. And maybe as a woman in a primarily male dominated field. Before I go into the events that happened on May 26th, I need to back up a bit.

When I started at Aloft, my self esteem was garbage. If you ask any grieving mother, there’s a possibility they might say relatively the same thing. Especially at a lower social class. When I’d be given compliments, I’d think they were just saying it because it was the right thing to do. Not because I’d earned the compliment. I held myself to impossible standards in the beginning. I wanted to be better than an employee that had worked there for 5 years or even match her in competence after a VERY short time of employment there to show I was worth every penny they were paying me. And of course, when I fell short… I was mad at myself. I’d hear from people … Marilyn is awesome. And you’re good too… from one of my coworkers. And although it fell short of what I wanted to be… I wasn’t AS good as Marilyn and that bothered me. As time went on, I realized that I’m good. I work my ass off. I give my 110% when I’m there. And I’m passionate. I look at things somewhat critically and try to measure up where I can. Honestly? One year ago, I gave up living off social security (and all of its glory… eye roll) and gave that up to work full time. The disability I was suffering (mental) was as close to gone as I could get it. I felt like I could do more and wanted to do more with my life. I didn’t want to depend on this income. I wanted to prove that I could do it again. So… after a long time of being mentally ill and certifiably disabled, I took myself off that market. I joined the work force full time again. I did A LOT more than I used to.

Getting used to working on my feet took a lot. A true lot. Especially for someone like me who is very heavy. Something started to happen to me this year that I didn’t expect. I started to hear compliments for what they were. And this is where we get into the thick of it.

May 26th was a day like any other. I was at American Tent, working in the pole department. I was cutting down aluminum poles for a custom order that was made. I was trying to be efficient, but with that efficiency was a lack of forward thinking. I put two aluminum poles parallel from one another a few inches apart. I put the one aluminum poll close to the chop saw to cut, the other a few inches that I THOUGHT was far enough away that the chop saw blade wouldn’t touch it. I could cut the one pole and be on to the next in a jiffy. With my inexperience, I realized very quickly that THIS was a critical error. And one that wound me up in the emergency room. When I brought the blade down, it grabbed the second pole halfway. With the motion of the blade so fast, it kicked the pole inward towards my thumb and fractured my bones in my thumb. The doctor said I was lucky with the type of fracture that it was. I didn’t screw up any tendons and wouldn’t require surgery for it. All it was was a fractured left thumb (non dominant hand… phew!) and bruised pride (my personal diagnosis). So I’d require healing and follow up with a occupational physician. Which I scheduled as soon as I could. I was not able to work with one hand, so I was out of not one job.. .but both. I was still on payroll for whenever I could go back. Unfortunately I wasn’t given the all clear until July 7th.

When I injured myself at work, I felt so angry at myself. I should have known this was going to foul up. Now my bosses were going to be mad at me and they probably wouldn’t want me back. I didn’t even think my coworkers would want to work with me because they’d consider me a liability. I hadn’t even worked there a month and I had to be off work for eight weeks! How could I be trusted? During my time off… I was so very annoyed with myself and pained. It was horrible. As soon as I could possibly do things that didn’t require both hands, I would do it. I just couldn’t handle being at home all the time anymore. I needed to feel like a functional adult. And honestly, I slipped into a major depressive episode because the medical workmans comp hadn’t come through yet and it was taking forever. So I wasn’t making ANYTHING and I couldn’t file for unemployment AND my husband doesn’t work because he’s considered disabled. If I haven’t brought that up, I will at another time.

July 7th was my last follow up with the occupational physician. The healing looked good and it even appeared that I was going to have a nail underneath that had grown in. My thumb would never quite be the same… but it’d be functional. I text my boss at American Tent to ask her when I could come back to work. She said, tomorrow…. I said, I’ll be there.

Honest to goodness, I had no idea what I was in for. I didn’t think anyone would care to work with me again. Instead, when I had gotten back – all manner of things had changed. New hires (management and otherwise). Gary was back. Gary had been on leave for something… no idea what, but he was back. He seems to be the manager of my department. And boy, his presence lightens up the area in a HUGE way. Even Kenny seems to enjoy work more that Gary’s back. Linda, the boss, she asked me to go on a machine for a few days by the woman that referred me to the company. When I did… it was nice… but there was little movement. I stood still for hours. And that part sucked. At least I can wear my fitbit and not feel embarrassed by my steps at the end of the day. I was told by a fellow coworker near that area that I was the fastest employee to ever be on that machine to date. He told me that I needed to slow down for him. And to me, it was the first time I accepted a compliment for what it was. That employee was NOT a manager. He was an employee just like I am. He had no gain to compliment me. Matter of fact, I was making him work harder. So everything really was coming out as though I was a very competent employee. Matter of fact, when I came back to work in poles, Kenny told me that he likes working with me. He even gave me a partial hug. It felt strange. It was just nice to know that my efforts were appreciated.

There have been many employees that have come and gone in the pole department. Many people don’t seem to want to work there. It’s so much more physically demanding than on the manufacturing floor. And most of all, there is NO air conditioning. So during the summer – it’s been grueling!

Since I’ve been back, I’ve been offered a job there and I’m waiting to find out about benefits before I sign on to the gig. I have guaranteed 40 hours per week with chance of overtime. If I’m not on mandatory overtime, I’m working 4 days on, 3 days off. So despite it being hard, I’ll still have more time at home with my husband and be able to do more than I’ve been able to since I’ve been working both at Aloft and at the Tent place. Right now I’ve been working 6 days on, 1 day off. And that’s tough to swallow. Plus, my sleeping schedule is fucked right now because I’m having to go to bed early for tent and I can stay up later for the hotel since I don’t have to be up before God is. Adjusting has been a beast.

Now, on top of that. For the first time in my life – I’ve been told in front of ALL my coworkers that I am an employee of the week by my boss Linda at American Tent. It felt great. And then yesterday before I left work, Willie (another just employee like me) told me I did a great job today. I was confused. But I said. “Thank you, although I don’t know how you’d know…” He just responded by saying that I was an MVP.

I’m 43 years old. Almost half of my life has potentially gone by. I’ve heard compliments and accepted them. And in that, my sense of self has gone up. My desire to be treated better has increased. My expectations have gone up. I wish I hadn’t had to experience so much life to get to this point JUST so I could hear someone say something positive about me without thinking that they had something to gain out of it. Or that there was no way they meant it.

I’m trying to learn to accept me for the person that I am. And another thing that I’ve noticed about myself. I’m cognizant at work about how many times I apologize for no particular reason. My husband has joked, saying I must be part Canadian for how much I apologize for everything. If I start to notice myself going that way, thinking to apologize for something stupid .. I stop myself. At least that is also an improvement. No offense to Canadians. You’re wonderful from what I hear. As long as you don’t judge me for being American… I’ll make sure to give you due credit for being who you are. =)

I think I’m done now.

Thank you!

Janet