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Something feels different
I feel my life is changing, just a bit. I’m still laying in my dark bedroom, just before bed, discussing my inner thoughts. I had a very tough beginning to my weekend. I got some distressing news about my daughter and the company she keeps. I made a decision, finally. I have to let go.…
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No one ever asks for this
It’s true. I never imagined myself feeling like I was going to be a 15 year old until … Probably, now? (guess how old I actually am? Hint: I’m a few decades from 15 years old.) I have been living my life feeling like I’ve had to defend myself. For making bad decisions. For disappointing…
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Saying Goodbye, Saying Hello.. (Again)
I have been trying to evaluate things. My life. What’s important to me. Who I am, exactly. I came to a deep reflection today about myself. I’m not living my life. I’m living my life remembering bad things and relating them to experiences in my current life. I don’t see things around me and I…
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Letting Go…. Not 15 Years Old Anymore
I’ve had PTSD for quite a while now. I guess I didn’t realize how my brain changed during my traumatic experiences growing up. And after I grew up… (*kinda*) I have always wanted to be better than I was. Thinking that I was still 15 years old, I saw everyone as not liking me. Or…
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5/18/25. I am finally enough
I look at myself now, and I see things differently. When I was a teenager, I was allowed to do things I should never have done. I made choices to avoid being alone. And my ability to determine who was safe and was not, I had no ability to sense. I saw a very small…
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Teeth, Quality, and Breaking Down
I had all my teeth removed by the time I was in my 20’s. I didn’t exactly care for myself. Depression and poverty. Not fun times. Insurance will cover removal of teeth at $0 copay to over $1000 for a root canal and crown. I had two kids and a husband. I had no money.…
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Love & Support
Foreigner created a song called “I Want to Know What Love is” in 1984. I think everyone alive on this giant rock we call Earth wants to have Love. Love without support is little help sometimes. Even the most aboriginal group of people rely on their brothers and sisters in their community (respectively, not literally).…
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Where Am I?
Good question. I’m here, I think. Trying to understand… Myself. Who I’ve started to become. I don’t think people (some more than others) realize how difficult it is to explain to someone how you feel. How awful and miserable it is. You convey the desperation of your situation and how it just feels neverending. It…
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Feelings about Me & The Future
It has been an extraordinary adventure. I’m fourty (murmurs random number) years old. I’ve been dealing with PTSD largely since I was 11 years old. My feelings were large and I had no one to really help me unpack them. Go to the therapist my mom says. Her therapist. Karen. I didn’t want her. I…
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Trauma & Me
It’s hard to remember the good things. It honestly is. And after so much criticism from people who purported to love me, I almost shut down my blog. I decided to keep going because after all, this is for me. Not for anyone else. I started out with this as a means of reflecting on my life. I realize that…
PTSD, My Life, My Changes 