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Strangest Feelings
I’ve come to a crossroads in my life. I’m nearing 45 years old and I’m an empty nester. My husband just recently quit smoking cigarettes – so, that’s happened. We’ve had improvements to our home including getting the electricity in our home updated, insulation in the basement, outer home lined with dirt and rocks to…
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Everyday, I’m Terrified
I began to realize lately that: Everyday, I’m terrified by the world around me. Okay: I’m going to unpack this Are you ready? Did that person or persons look at me? Did they think a negative thought about me? Is that person (s) talking about me? I look awful, I feel awful. I want to…
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Feelings about Monday
I don’t want to go to work. I know I’m like most Americans that way. It’s not like I’m bad at my job. It’s not like people treat me badly. Most people probably like me or tolerate me. And that’s okay. If they don’t like me .. whatever. I just don’t feel safe in my…
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What would I say to my 15 Year Old Self, Today.
Hi Janet. Yes, you were a pain. You were in severe pain. Your life was a hellscape starting at 11 years old when Dianne died. Mom was broken. Dad, disconnected. Mom could only do it for herself, generally. She tried to engage me. And every time she did, I grabbed on with all my might.…
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How To Be in a Family
It’s been a long time since I’ve connected with anyone from my family. Either side. It’s not a lack of interest. It’s because I’m terrified. I saw what the result of misbehaving got me as a teenager. And while the results were mostly silent, judgment, and shunning… You might as well have permanently injured a…
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T/BFAO
My assignment. From my new therapist. I’m not used to homework. This is a sitting exercise. It’s supposed to help me create a more functional inner dialogue with myself. I have to determine about: What are the thoughts/beliefs? (is it true/helpful?) Move to: What are your feelings about those thoughts/beliefs? Move along to: What action…
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I Do Not Remember
I think one of the things that makes me so mad about PTSD is the memory issues. I cannot remember many periods of my life. Many years. I have blips of memories. I remember being in 1st grade. Studying the weather. I remember playing with certain friends during certain periods of time. I remember certain…
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Strength Costs
The expectation of strength comes at a cost sometimes. For example: with the gene mutation (RYR2), it’s recommended not to get too stressed or over exert. I don’t think anyone really knows how hard it is to be a person and not to do more than they should. Having mental health issues and a past…
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What Would Mom & Dad Say
My podcast episode apparently ruffled some feathers. Despite not saying the direct name of the church. I gave the origin of the religion. My mom was mad at me when I said the name of the church incorrectly in a phone call. She almost slapped me across the face. I saw her reaction. I know…
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Who I Am
I’ve spent a long time identifying who I am as a victim of some fucked up circumstances. For years. I was modeled ignoring yourself and your needs, so, that was normal. I can’t exactly remember how long it’s been now, but it started out with Eric and I going to see Jason Mewes at Skyline…
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Learning about Me 