I don’t want to go to work.

I know I’m like most Americans that way. It’s not like I’m bad at my job. It’s not like people treat me badly. Most people probably like me or tolerate me. And that’s okay. If they don’t like me .. whatever. I just don’t feel safe in my head. My head goes thru all these feelings.

They don’t want me. I’m fucking up. I’m not doing it right. Someone else is better. Most people are better than me.

I do hate mornings, if I’m honest. I generally wake up about 8:30 am mentally. And even when I’m awake, I have difficulties understanding what people say to me. I’m so panicked to get through the interaction that I sort of just smile and nod. I’m afraid of everyone, mostly.

I hate being startled. I hate feeling not good enough. Yet, mentally… I believe I’m probably good enough. My internal critic likes to tell me how awful I am.

I’m trying to reset my brain before sleep. I should be tucked in listening to some random TV show to lull me to sleep. Something I’ve listened to a thousand times. Something that doesn’t get me intrigued. Usually it’s The Good Place, How To Train Your Dragon, Inside Job, Corner Gas, Disenchantment, The Great North, or Bob’s Burgers. Those shows are comforting for me to go to sleep to. I know what’s happening. I don’t need to pay attention.

Also, my therapist wants me to see her every week moving forward. It’s over $200 a session. Ugh!!!

Time for bed. And tomorrow is Eric’s birthday. The big 4.6.