It’s been a long time since I’ve connected with anyone from my family.  Either side. It’s not a lack of interest. It’s because I’m terrified. I saw what the result of misbehaving got me as a teenager. And while the results were mostly silent, judgment, and shunning… You might as well have permanently injured a body part of mine. Oh wait, they did.

My brain.

I’ve been connected to a family for many years through my husband. I love them quite a bit. They seem to accept me, though that’s all I can see. That they seem to. No matter how many Sundays we get together with my in laws and my Aunt in law, I still feel like the odd one out. I still try to participate. And it’s hard.

My mother in law is extraordinarily sarcastic. And she’s a deeply loving person. The way she is with people she loves, you can tell. The sarcasm, I think, is a protective measure. She’s had a tough life too. Growing up, a dry sense of humor was what I understood. And it makes sense. How to determine sarcasm is like another language for me.  Sarcasm can be received in many ways. Ooh, you’re mad at me… Or I did something wrong is my go to feeling. Unless I can actually decode it.

I spent many hours on World of Warcraft (mmorpg) in the basement at my in laws house. While they didn’t treat me badly, I felt like I didn’t belong there.

Words mean absolutely nothing if you cannot back them up with your actions. My family, my church community, they spoke to me. And then gossiped, avoided me, and let me walk alone. Terribly alone. And the lack of involvement by people who I thought I could count on forever… Disappeared.

So, I don’t know how to be a family member to you. I’d apologize, but why? Why should I apologize for what was done to me, towards me, and not recovered. I don’t have the skills. Yet I’m doing my best.