I just had to stop seeing my therapist through my employee assistance program. For a program that is offered through my employee, I was blessed! I’ve worked for larger companies (by far) and gotten less personal, less personalized care and consideration for my stress and life. I was beyond impressed. I will miss her. (My therapist through EAP. Would recommend) Anyway, my new therapist, she seems nice and safe, nonjudgmental. She’s talking to me about parts and age work. I don’t really know what that means exactly. I think someone I know does, however. I think she’s been doing this kind of work. When you’re not just doing traditional cognitive behavioral therapy, everything else seems weird.

Anyway, my immediate thoughts before my appointment:

OMG, I’m so scared

What if I don’t like her, feel seen by her, am not heard or misunderstood?

What if she’s close to retirement?

It’s in the hospital portion. Remember when you used to bring Ashleigh here? When you were admitted? Remember when the psychiatrist told you that you were ugly? The first meeting? He apologized, quite a bit. I still remember.

I can’t go home. OMG, why is this car in  front going so slow? Am I going to be late?

Remember to mention your nightmares lately. Don’t act too nervous. Just try to relax. Oh, breathing is good.

Take your jacket off. No, not yet.

Am I going to cry? Are we going to get started right away?

OMG, I don’t know if I can do this. Maybe I’ll never be okay.

What if I have to go on disability again because I’m nuts.

Will I cause us to lose the house?

What if I’m never enough?

It’s almost Ashleigh’s birthday. I miss her. I’m apprehensive about her. I want the best for her.  I wish I knew what that was and that it could include me.

Okay, soothing music. Not this, I’m there already.

Inside: checked in:

Great, people talking across from me. And ridiculously traditional HGTV on.

The people across from me leave after they’re called. It seems they’re interviewing for positions at the hospital here? (Eavesdropping) Still waiting.

TV went off…. No more HGTV?? WTF?

Oh, still waiting. She’s late. Great, I see how this is working out!

It’s going to be bad.

Finally, she comes. And she’s kind. I think maybe I will have a safe someday.