I’m really struggling every day. I go to work before the sun rises. I get to work and do my job without issue. Hardly anyone speaks to me during the day. I feel like I’m sitting in my bedroom as a 15 year old kid. Mind you, I’m not easy into consideration. First off, what are your reasons for talking to me? Am I going to get in trouble for not working? Can I trust you?

I don’t go to work for friendship. I go to work to secure a life for myself and my household. I listen to podcasts or music to keep my head in the game. I rarely get up except for my one sanctioned break and half hour paid lunch. I’m working alone. I feel alone.

I talk to people, sometimes when I get up to go to the bathroom or make a small remark. Stop at the water cooler for refreshing my huge cup. The cup actually hurts to grab it because of how large it is. I’m cheap, so I’ll just complain while my hand hurts.

I’m pretty sure I’m not great at living. I’m afraid of everyone. Speaking my truth is hard. My life has been hard. I’m still trying to do the mental gymnastics to get out of this crap. With little social support. With few people that I know has my back. And I realize that I stop my own progress.  It sucks. Yet I’m terrified.

How did I get this way? Did I just want to be too much and I’m bringing it large and  in charge? Or did somethings precipitate me becoming this way?

I think having whatever the hell is wrong with me cancels out anything right about myself. I try to remind myself that I’m smart, I’m talented at certain things, I’m funny, I’m capable, and I’m loved. I’m watching with anticipation of any interaction to see how the other person is looking during the interaction with me.

Are you bored? Did you just yawn? Smiling? What’s happening? Do you approve of me? Shit .. how do I know.

I tell my husband that I love him. Probably more than anyone should tell anyone that they love them .. if that’s possible. I apologize for even the slightest touch, unexpected.

I watch the news or hear reports about ICE raids and killings and/or detainment of legal United States citizens and I want to help in the worst way. I want to be a shield. I want to make the bad man go away. I want to fix it all. I can’t. I have difficulty helping myself.

Compassion. Where has it gone? Where is it going? Does anyone care about anyone anymore? I certainly didn’t feel loved and still have difficulty feeling it. I want desperately to be hugged. I want to be held in the arms of people who love me. I want to feel safe.

I know my traumas are largely over. I have residual stuff that interrupts my progress. I feel like I’m emotionally dying inside sometimes.  I desperately want validation from people that’ll never likely validate me.

I work my ass off and all I want is for my brain to relax. Quiet down. I don’t hear voices. I have the intense internal critic that doesn’t know when enough is enough. Sometimes, I just want to give up. I just want to eat myself until a diabetic coma… Yet I’ve seen what happens when you don’t die. So… I just try to suck it up.

I’d love to say life is great. I certainly don’t feel it. I feel hated (not just by my daughter). I feel unworthy of conversation. I don’t reach out because I’m terrified of being bad, wrong, or stupid. I have a voice. I want to use it. I shouldn’t be made to feel bad about my experiences. Especially since I give the truth. I don’t embellish at all.

Words matter to me. Time spent with me matters to me. Money is helpful. It doesn’t fill my heart.

So if I want to ask Eric to spend more time with me, he does. If I want more, I feel like I’m asking for too much. I’m being unreasonable. Not because someone told me that. My internal critic says it. My internal critic was the only thing that largely was with me as a kid. I tried to be a kid. It didn’t work. I see things happen around in places I go where people don’t get hassled over their bad behavior. Or the things they do wrong. And that may be because I don’t see everything. Fact. However, I feel like I’m a kid again. Especially when in a group, being scolded together. If it’s not you, you know who you are. So my internal critic makes it about how bad I suck and I’m not doing enough.

I’m tired. So tired.