It’s hard to walk around angry. It’s hard to feel depressed. And it’s scary to try to go deeper, to understand the layers. The context, true evaluations without my own personal nods. I had to see things. In places where I wouldn’t have normally found them.

I have family. They are (insert names here) And then time frame last seen to…. No contact for … And then new people, new community, new friends and added personal family here. The two don’t always know about the other.

I thought I had the perfect family. I honestly did. I thought, aside from some things that really irked me… We weren’t bad. The aunts and uncles were awesome. The time spent was fabulous. The sleep overs with the cousins was everything. And then? Poof…. It’s, almost nothing. Then, well… Just… Nothing. Not even because of the age I was. Things dramatically changed. My mom wasn’t the constant. And my entire life blinked before me.

I promise you, from this day (October 14, 1991… I.E. Janet, age 14. Hormonal mess and confused human. Young human. Female, hormonal human.) nothing will ever be the same. Without her mom. AKA: her world. And then, it was like planetary distance away. And then it was the house. By this point in my life, I was having sex and smoking cigarettes. So, the idea of .. Janet’s a rampant asshole, anyway. It’s her fault. Rawr!

Except, electrical wiring (when faulty) is far more dangerous than I. A fifteen year old (still hormonal and more confused, scared, and horribly emotionally vacated) young girl. The fate of her sister being dead, her mom, not exactly, and now the house?

And while I was a rampant asshole it was because I didn’t know how to grow up under those emotional conditions. There is no guidebook for your life imploding year one of high school. Right! No one wrote that fucking book. I pressed the terms of my parent child dynamic. There were consequences a few times.  Mostly, my dad was a ‘fuck around and find out’, kinda parents. Just watching your brain explode the moment you realized…. Oh shit. Keep this intelligence locked in.

I say those things out of respect for my father. He was one hell of a man. He kept his cool, later. No arguments. We got along. It was never really a relationship of personal growth. Always surface stuff. I’m sure he felt lots of ways about me. And I’m sure many and all times, he was probably right to feel what he felt. I never felt enough in his eyes. And part of that is the communication. He was a man of many words when he was invested. I’ll never truly have been able to be comfortable with him. I love him. He did stand to help me. Immensely as an adult. He didn’t have to. I don’t think he ever said no to me.  I have a lot of what I have because of my father. I do not forget that and never would.  My wounds were different.  I was scared, hormonal, angry, depressed, pretend to be happy..

Rinse and repeat.

Pretend that you are normal..

You’re normal…..

Normal

NORMAL!!!!!

Why aren’t you normal yet, Janet? You had a good life! You were cared for! Nothing denied to you.

You’re right. At a true cost. We were desperate people that felt alone, together. And that’s what I brought to relationships. Because even then, I was scared. Until one of them wasn’t too scared to help me. Or willing to listen. And listen….. And listen… And hold….. And hug….. And pray.

And rinse and repeat.

Eric has had to show me and prove so much in our relationship to show me that he loves me. Not just because I’m insecure. I was helped to feel this way. Whether they realize it or not. I have attempted to abandon myself! Myself! For what? Because a Christian religion couldn’t keep us together? Because I said a few things others may feel are offensive. Those people had different parents and a different time than I. Yours, younger parents. More spry. Mine older and didn’t expect that oops baby.

I pressed the line. I did.  I was careless. I just wanted to feel someone love me. And I was starving for emotional connection. I felt abandoned. I locked in feeling not enough for anyone. And because I wasn’t worth a five minute drive and 30 minute conversation…. While you’re in town…

Oh right…. Crickets.

I have been trying to allow Eric’s parents to show me they love me. I still wonder sometimes. It’s been 23 years that we’ve been married as of this last August.

Progress takes a while.