I’m starting brainspotting therapy on the 22nd of this month. It’s very different from cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). If you read this, look it up if you’re interested. It’s specifically for people that have had trauma in their background and have developed PTSD/C-PTSD. I’m looking forward to starting. Although I have to allow myself to accept that the therapy is different than what I’m used to and to… Just go with it. Allow my body and mind to relax into things. I’ve been dealing with persistent symptoms for years. Fear, anxiety, depression, low self esteem, difficulty making decisions, difficulty with motivation, avoidance, etc.

I avoid a lot of things that I shouldn’t. Paying overdue bills, talking to creditors. I’m afraid they’ll get angry with me. I fawn. So, I regress to that hurt child. I’m afraid they’ll judge me.

I ignore a lot of things I shouldn’t. Like, for instance: nutrition labels.  I’m diabetic. Granted, I’m not insulin dependent. My A1C was last… 6.5? This could be counted as avoidance as well. If I don’t think about it or see it… There’s no way you can tell me that the burger and fries were over 400 calories.

I get afraid if a person sounds or looks angry, annoyed, agitated. I will fawn here too. If someone asks me a question that I have to problem-solve, my mind goes blank. I have no way to distinguish what information needs to come out. And I’m terrified if I’m wrong. Again, the person on the receiving end will criticize me. Make me feel stupid. Tell me I’m stupid. And definitely not tell me how to fix my mistake (s).

I feel like I’m invisible. Not only do I make myself invisible because of my anxiety. I’m entering into a phase of life where.. you fade out relevance. Your body changes, chemicals start or stop working. People don’t look at people in certain age groups for advancement. Retirement is coming faster than one ever thought possible. At sixteen years old, I had to work 49 years if I worked until 65 years of age. 54 years if I worked to 70. And I’ve had little time to prepare for retirement.

I’ll worry about that later.

Anyway, brainstorming….

The little I remember… While you’re in therapy, the therapist moves a pointer. You follow the tip of the pointer with your eyes. At the same time you’re doing this, soft music is being played through headphones. You’ll discuss where in your body you feel stimuli while talking about the trauma.  I remember the first time I tried brainspotting with a therapist. I thought it was absolute bananas. This is ridiculous…. There’s no way this is going to work. And there began what ended my ability to get treatment.

I’m nervous about this therapist. Not for competency. Because it’s through the employee assistance program. I’ll have four more sessions for free before I have to get a new therapist. And obviously I’ve been putting that off. Ugh! Adulting is hard!!

I’m scared of learning in general. I’m scared of anything involving a social interaction. Even with my husband. And he doesn’t hurt me.  Our relationship functions like many.  I have once told him… On your shoulders rests the back of each person who has ever harmed me. I’m sorry, that is just how it is. I wish it wasn’t. And it’s not even his fault. I come with extensive baggage. He just tried to hang on.