So… here I am. Sitting in my kitchen at the island. The island that I own. The husband that sits upstairs working on his crafting. The dogs resting comfortably on the couch. The dishwasher running in the background. The beauty of the environment outside. And the relative peace that exists in my life among the chaos.

On Thursday (nearly two weeks ago), I started with the symptoms of RSV. I was later diagnosed this last Monday with RSV. I’ve been home all week this week. I’ve been eating popsicles, being waited on hand and foot, haven’t had to go to do much if any chores. And when I do, my husband tells me to slow down. This is strange.

I started watching the Disney movie “Cinderella” on Disney+. It brought me back to some very interesting memories from being a kid. Listening to the “Cinderella” album on my Fischer Price record player. The plastic ‘kids edition’ record player. I remember listening to the horrible step sisters ‘sing sweet valentine’… yuck. And the ever so fortunate Fairy Godmother who changes Cinderella’s life for the better. My husband then turned on some retro tv shows later on that day. Revisiting brands from when we were kids. Ecto Cooler, Pudding cups that had been encased in aluminum packaging. (Dangerous!). Garbage pail kids.

I know my parents tried when I was a kid. I think my mom always wanted to get me something great. Something expensive. Something hopeful. The sad thing is, she missed the mark a lot on things I wanted. I did not want the giant casio keyboard I got one year for Christmas. While I got a lot as a kid, it was my oops nature that got me the treatment I did. Had I been raised with my three siblings – MORE… I probably wouldn’t have been spoiled the way I was with attention and things. Maybe my mom wanted to make up for what she couldn’t do for the three kids individually. I have no idea. It’s not my job to know. I enjoyed all of the attention I got. It was nice.

Sitting here, evaluating my surroundings – I feel a lot silly. I feel like I have been putting an immense amount of pressure on myself to achieve this “life” of ecstacy. Where nothing can touch you. The problem is, ecstacy isn’t exactly a logical state of being. It’s a few solid moments born out of inebriation – or the highest boom of your life acclimated to one excellent celebration. I just want comfort. What does comfort look like?

Comfort looks like – the bills are paid and we have extra money left over. It looks like – the food is stocked with healthy and wonderful choices to eat. Comfort looks like – experimenting with the things I want to learn. Not being afraid of being imperfect. Not feeling that … imposter syndrome so heavily. And always feeling less than desirable by my friends and family. Instead, accepting the fact that I may not be others cup of tea, and that’s okay. I am me.

So, I posed a question to my friend Missy last night. What would your child version say to you now? I would like to weigh in with my own interpretations. I’m going to come at it from the 15 year old kid point of view.

Janet 15 years old to Janet 40 something years old

Damn! We are still alive! Good job! Fluke? You’ve done pretty well for yourself, considering. We mostly just wanted to let life just roll over us. It was just happening without our consent. No control. Somehow, you grabbed the reigns and just took off. You took chances that probably weren’t great for you – but you got the inherent message you needed to back out of that life. We acknowledged the damage it was creating our existence. And while not many people tried to reach in to show us the way… you did it. Two pregnancies, a few horrible relationships with lasting consequences. We figured out the family stuff – the death stuff anyway. That’s better. And you’re living a respectable life. A life where you do good for yourself and others. The stuff about yourself – doing good for yourself? You’re getting better. You weren’t there for friends before. However, you’re doing it now. I was really tired of being freaked out all the time. You could rest a little. Love your dogs. They’re worth it. And try to love yourself. You’ve done a lot of work on yourself. You’ve realized things that you weren’t given permission to do so before. You’ll never be perfect, but you’ll be good. I didn’t see that for my future – for you. I always thought I would be a train wreck. And that I could never be viewed otherwise. I’m happy to know that I was wrong. About a lot of things. Thank you for being me.

It’s nice to know that I’m not a complete mess. I’m just enough of a mess. I over estimate how much of a mess I am because I’m trying to fulfill what I thought others were seeing. I have to give myself an extra break. I have done so much inner work on myself. Now it’s the outer. That’s harder to do than I tell myself. I feel like I need someone to show me how to do things. Right now, the only thing stopping me from fulfilling what I need to do to continue to be healthy… is to push past myself. My barriers that I set for myself. Allow myself to live. And be who I am truly supposed to be. No matter what, as long as I’m being true to myself, not breaking any laws.

There is nothing wrong with me wanting to learn Tarot. There is nothing wrong with me wanting to learn a new job. There is nothing wrong with me for just wanting to be safe. Well, and in the future – breathe more effectively. So I don’t feel the necessity to cough or choke. These are the things dreams are made of, so far.