I wish I could say that depression didn’t have a hold on me. I’m not looking for attention, I’m exhausted. My husband and his mounting medical needs and unemployment for 10+ years and me getting older, more stressed, and tired.

Holidays mean I get to spend time with family. Maybe not the way it used to be. I at least know that I’m loved and accepted here. They show me that no matter how hard I fall, they’ll be there to pick me up. There is no wondering. They are physically there.

I’ve been involved in a group on Facebook where people that leave the church I grew up in communicate and help one another normalize deconstruction. They express their difficulties while in and what they’ve experienced after they’ve left. They have been a great grounding spot for me. I’ve learned of two people that I might attempt to talk to. When I think about getting into contacting them, I panic. What if they disapprove of me too? What if they judge me? What if I’m not good enough for them either? It’s paralyzing enough for me to not take action. Which means that I can’t quite move forward socially in my life. I loathe myself. Intensely. I won’t die at my own hand, I’m getting closer and closer to 50 years old. I’m tired. So fucking tired. I’ve neglected my own well being. I don’t even know how to take care of me. I’d love, sometimes, just to eat snack cakes and ice cream until I vomit. If my emotions took too much control, I might. The temporary dopamine rush will help me feel that flood of happy until it’s gone.

My daughter is mentally out, my youngest is dead. I’m working for everything. I’m never enough. For myself or for anyone. And I’m probably wrong. The problem with mental illness is that it feels 100% dead on. I’m afraid of the world, yet I have to participate. I messaged my therapist this weekend. I’ve cried a lot this weekend. I won’t hear from him until December. No matter what, life is fucked up.

I’m tired.

I’m tired of being less important. I’m tired of everything. I’m still here. And I’m still holding. Just not happily.