I asked my husband tonight.

Am I worthy of respect? He looks at me and says, of course. Do you feel like you deserve respect? My response: maybe a little.

He was kind of surprised. I never ever thought I had thought even a morsel of me deserved respect.

I was treated very well by my mom. She gave me anything I wanted, to a point. She wanted me to have a normal life. And I did. Being sensitive, empathic, whatever you want to call it. It sucks. Depression makes all the feelings feel so much more intense. I’m not complaining that I was forced to do the dishes. I was required to do what most kids don’t have to. At least in this country. I realize, my pain is nothing in comparison to someone, somewhere. I have no doubt that someone may think I’m a whiner somewhere. And they may be right. I guess that’s all up to interpretation about their lives in contrast.

Life is complicated. I’ve worked and respected people in homeless shelters. I even married someone who used to reside in one. I’ve tried to see people beyond what labels were being given. People are people. I gave many people my heart that hadn’t earned it. And my heart broke. Repeatedly. Carrie Fisher died and her mother died of a broken heart. And while I don’t know about everything else they’ve dealt with…  I’ll just let that part ruminate.

People do things for all sorts of reasons. The motive is generally a symptom of limited things. Just like books, there are tropes. And depending on the person wielding the brain (or weapon) – their ‘reason and logic’ may be inherently different. We may view someone in a cheerier scope. Does that person you view, view themselves that same way?

I guess it’s possible.

Tonight I’m going to go to bed. With the motivation that I’ll wake up again. I’ll hug my husband and dogs. Remind each of them that I love them. I’ll think of my friends and family near and far. And with that thought, I will ask for each one to feel some manner of peace. Just to be grateful for that moment. Those people. Those pieces of scenery. 

Life is hard. And its taken me a long time to catch up.