You know how some people compare themselves to the sex in the city series? Well, I’m more obese and definitely as skeptical. (Roseanne/ The Conners)

I’ve been watching the series since its inception. I’ve watched those kids grow up when I was a kid. I wanted to have the pain in the ass yet complicated family life that they had. Mom and Dad were weird, but it worked. Mom and Dad didn’t make a lot of money, but they loved each other (in their ways). Becky is beautiful, popular, and pretty basic. Darlene is the cynic, the practical yet artistic, open minded (to a point), angsty/emo. And poor DJ. He was kinda there. And a pain.

As much as I would have loved to have an older sister like Becky. And maybe Dianne would have been like her. I was 11 when she died. I imagined I would be nicer. I wouldn’t get mad at her. She would be cool. And I’d always love her. The family and their dysfunction… Worked.

I didn’t really understand our life and that there were any financial issues… Ever. Our home was basic. Nothing particularly fancy. It worked. 4br 1 1/2bath. Full unfurnished wood burning furnace, basement. I loved our bathroom. It was a small toilet area, enough foot room. A half wall separating. Right side, cabinets. Lower cabinets. Might’ve had a couple upper, don’t remember that. Tub and shower. Basic. Behind the 3/4 wall was home to small ish plant and a dehumidifier. It was unique. I remember looking out the windows in the laundry and bathroom,

My mom taught me how to do laundry. Just like she taught me to bake. And honestly who got me into how neat it was to be THAT Finnish. My grandma Ruuska swore we were part Swedish. Ummm, we’re not any Swedish. Not even a morsel.

I’m pretty sure, if you put 13 year old Janet next to 15 year old, they’d be a lot different. I don’t think 13 year old Janet would really like who she became. I just wanted a chance to be good at something. I felt special when I was young.  I didn’t like church. It felt like the Chevy vs Ford guys. They all seemed to want to have certain families friends. Different income brackets had more… Attention. Even when other families were there every weekend. Some people got excused from church. And Labor Day weekend church. And Memorial Day weekend church. Sure, it was great for many people. I just felt like… Seeing my mom and Dad at home, they were different. Not that I can remember. My Dad was quiet. I just don’t remember much from me childhood. I remember being young and having my friends over. I just don’t really remember a lot of, good things. Where all my family cared about one another. Yes, I’m probably thinking of a TV family. You’re right.

Just like The Connors, everyone dislikes each other just like they dislike themselves sometimes. They’re real. They know who they are. They don’t try to prove they’re any better. Yet the family is successful at deprecating humor about each other. So, you think you’re low? I’ll beat that. Try me. And hold my beer.

Now, in my life, I see myself in Darlene yet. She just got a big promotion. I just got an in training promotion. It feels weird and uncomfortable. Darlene is searching for a spiritual connection that makes sense to her. Darlene had driven men away with lifelong proverbial battle damage and cynicism. The income inequality, the alcoholism and football. The new family that has spawned and how they live their lives together. To strengthen and harass. It’s beautiful. And relatable.

It’s hard to imagine my parents or anyone in the church ever being so open and speaking outside of generalized.. Good things are happening. Life is good. Family is good. Home is good. The Conners are raw and unapologetic for their hijinks.

I think that’s why I didn’t like church. I did not want to be like everyone else. You speak the same, submit the same, hide your shame the same. I was broken. I am broken. I couldn’t afford to say how I felt. Everything that I felt scared me. The feelings were unfamiliar and unsafe. I couldn’t let people see my damage. I had to pretend everything was fine.

It’s okay to have chocolate ice cream if everyone else is having vanilla with chocolate syrup. In the end, you’re still enjoying the experience. Some will have diarrhea after having it. Some will eat too much. Some will eat little. And some will feel happiness.

Who am I to say that it wasn’t the truth. Or what they wanted to be. Being married with kids is pressure. There’s a lot of things to consider. I know my parents would always be fair minded, beautiful people. I loved my dad’s humor, his intelligence, and his reliability. My mom, I loved her baking, her laugh, and just how caring a person she was. I think my parents wanted everything to be okay.

I will never send a Christmas card with baby Jesus being surrounded by his peeps. I won’t do Christmas caroling. I certainly wouldn’t take it away or think less of you. Unless given a reason to do so. I’ll move on, as people do. I’ll always be that girl, in my mind.

The loser…

The unsuccessful…

The angry and depressed..

The rebellious nature for absolutely no reason at all.

Yet I’m successful. I have a home (no mortgage), a car that’s paid off. A husband and two dogs. A great job with okay benefits. I have food and family that will not let go. And I have learned a lot since the age of 15. I haven’t had sex with any other man for over 20 years. And.. For me? That’s someone I love.

I’m growing as Darlene is growing. Granted, I’m not exactly Darlene. She’s a work of fiction. You can love a fictional character and still see similarities.

Life is interesting. And terrifying.