There’s a lot to say for the tough stuff in life. You can put a cherry on top, if you’re so inclined. I didn’t have that ability. After the interview, I’ve taken on a few things. My responsibilities may change soon, a bit. I’m not sure. I’ve examined what I want and don’t want in my life. And I determined I was finally going to get some self love in. I got my hair cut. Twenty three inches of Janet hair. WOW! I knew kind of the style of hair cut, finally. And contrary to popular belief – I had the beautician part my hair to the left, which is opposite of my norm. I even thought about changing my signature up. I feel different.

I confessed to my therapist – I don’t really look at myself in the mirror. Yet on my way home from work, I looked into the rear view mirror and looked at my eyes. For a moment, I didn’t recognize who I was. It was like I was looking at someone I didn’t recognize. I felt a bit of love for myself. And when I was trying to relate it to my therapist about that moment, I broke down into tears. This is strange. I’m seeing myself for the first time. I do and I don’t recognize her. For the first time, I don’t see a screw up kid. I see someone who’s lived a bit and done a few things. Some pretty huge things. And not only survived – is actively changing her life. Sure, I’ve back slid on some things. It does not mean that I can’t go back and re-evaluate.

When I look at myself now, even hear myself – I hear someone who knows things. Someone who can learn things. Someone who is interesting (sometimes). I engaged with two people at work. One of which I’ve worked with for years. Just never really told him about me before. At least by much. And another coworker that’s new to the company. We started talking about things. Personal and not personal. Some of the stuff was just ridiculous filler fluff. Still, it was fun. I opened myself to the option of accepting it either goes, or it doesn’t. Both people, the conversations were well flowing and didn’t feel forced. I saw a positive thing happening.

Tonight when I was laying in bed for a bit, I looked above my bed and saw the lettering that spells out: I love you, Janet. XOXO Eric. As I laid there, I realized. Oh… my.. gawd. I know. I know you love me, Eric. Finally. Later, long after he wakes up today, I’m going to tell him. And that he can finally take it down. I think I’m ready to pick up my tarot cards tomorrow and try learning again.

Who I am is okay. I don’t have to be everyone’s cup of tea. What matters is that I accept myself for who I am. Everyone else is an added bonus. And no one gets to take credit for me, but me.