My episode has aired! 79: Cursed (peripheralpod.com)

So, it finally happened! My episode has found its way to the internet, for better or for worse. I received some positive and negative feedback. It’s been a struggle. For me, the over reaching reason that I did the podcast was because I wanted people to know the warning signs. If they suspect something might be wrong – if you don’t know what it is, you can’t fight it. My narrative about my upbringing seemed essential because it ties it all together. How difficult it was to understand why it was all happening and the devastation that all caused.

I’m not a neuropsychiatrist or anything clinical. What I can say based off my experience of life is that – when you’re in a young age group and trauma happens, the world is much more complicated than it ever was. My siblings that survived had a different outlook. They were either in college and doing their own thing and/or living with their respective others. It’s not that they weren’t hurting. On the contrary. They were. Everyone was. And I said as much on the podcast. The whole community was reeling. Trying to find a way to get used to the new norm. And that was a feat in and of itself.

It’s hard to come to terms with that I had a decent childhood. The heavy weighs so much more than the good. It has a larger impact on my psyche. (And I can only speak for mine because it’s all I know first hand.) My mom was a rockstar. She was everything. I went to girl scout camp and wrote my first letter to a family member while I was there. Meanwhile writing the addresses backwards. I loved Christmas and had to wake up everyone before we could get to the opening. I explored many of the areas around my home trying to find Captain Crunch – cuz the box said you’d win money if you found him. My friends and I making a witches brew out of random things that we found in our path and adding it to a disgusting rusted metal upright countainer on her property. We never drank out if it, but it was something. Going to my grandparents and taking a well deserved sauna. Gatherings with the cousins. It was everything for me. My social life was the bomb. I had everything.

It’s weird. When you have everything and then a wedge gets stuck and everything goes away as you knew it…. something broke in me. How do you go from having everything and then feeling like you lost it all. And trying to understand the complexities of relationships and how to keep them where you need them? Kids aren’t great at figuring out how to bring people together in the worst of times. I didn’t quite understand what I was feeling or how to make it right. Depression and anxiety REALLY screwed things up a lot. And because I was stuck in that mode, all I really knew was to figure out how to survive.

I did not mention the name of the church in the podcast. I figured I would keep it vague for the sake of dignity. I may not have a lot at this point. I pointed out all my prior flaws and weaknesses to whoever listens to this podcast. And maybe 5 people that read this blog now. The blog that I started was out of self discovery and for my own psychological well being. I may have shared it with people that I love – I wanted them to see how far I have come. I’m not who I was.

I missed a day and a half of work after I got some pretty tough words from someone who listened. I was devastated. They seemed to maybe have missed out on what I was trying to say. Please…. don’t die.

I am not an easy person to love. I will admit that. All I want still is to know that I am safe. I’ve crafted relationships at a minimum because even now I’m trying to figure out who won’t hurt me. That’s hard. And why, after all this time should I be feeling this way? I have had to wrestle with some pretty rough things in my life. And because I have maybe a handful of readers at best, I figure maybe they can get some modicum of relief that either their life is not that bad… or that there’s a nugget of wisdom contained within my pages.

All I can hope in the interim is that I can realize that safety is here. I have some very great people in my world now. I have to appreciate them for who they are and what they offer. They have made the world kinder. And that’s what we need. Solutions, less problems.

Love to all

Janet