I suppose I should explain a few things. I thought I had my thought process together. Apparently I don’t. I’ll try to wrap things up. So… here goes.

I’ve been fighting to get through my feelings of inadequacy and I’ve found a modicum of success. My husband and I have been dealing with some of his physical challenges and finding success there. For that part, it leads us to a happier future (if all continues down that same path). He can move and feel better. Now, it’s my turn.

When my husband and I talked about my disordered eating habits, I was ashamed. I don’t think it’s hard to imagine that food can be addictive. Especially for us Americans. We eat horribly! I ignored everything because I didn’t care about myself. I just didn’t. I wanted to want, but my emotions and boredom got in the way. And, if you haven’t read my blog before – I’ve felt… A LOT! During the conversation, my husband mentioned that if I got healthier – in two years we could go to Finland.

There were two things that happened when he said that to me. Firstly – That is my BIGGEST fantasy. My family came from Finland. For better or for worse – it is my familial home country and I want to experience it once in my life. It’s so gorgeous from the pictures and apparently it’s the happiest country in the world!! The second thing that happened was a sense of disbelief/distress about the realization that all it could ever be is a fantasy. I don’t believe that my dreams can come true. I discussed it with my therapist the following day. I even cried over the fact that I just couldn’t see any way that I could possibly make this a reality. And then, I went to sleep as the day came to a close. Something in me changed. I don’t know how. It just did.

The following day, I started checking my blood sugar. Three times a day. I haven’t done that since I first was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. And I’ve been taking my blood sugar without fail since February 13, 2023. I actually had to submit a prescription request to my doctor asking for more strips for my blood sugar monitor. She must have been thrown when she got that. I never gave a shit before. And I was quite vocal about it. Not only did I do that, but I started to exercise. I’ve been walking/using the gazelle/using the recumbent bike. All of which is in preparation to our eventual spring/summer when I can actually go hiking. I have so much excitement built up. And I’ve made that public.

On my facebook account and now here, I’ll tell you. My heaviest weight was 311 lbs. I had two children and quit smoking. When I started this journey in February, I was 270 lbs. I’m now 258 lbs. My clothes feel loose and the stretchy pants that are technically my comfort pants are falling off as I walk up the stairs! I’m starting to feel like one of those guys that wears loose pants that you can see their underwear. Probably time to retire them, huh?

So, what happened? How did this magic change happen? Well, I’ll give you a couple points to ponder – if you are in fact interested. First of all, I think what Eric said tapped into something VERY important to my psyche. He put the biggest carrot on the biggest stick in front of my face and told me to chase it. And while there was resistance at first, I realized that I am capable of my dream. Once I realized what I was going to do things that were originally complicated became less complicated. It’s like the food pyramid was in my head and I could concentrate on greens/carbs/etc were important and in what order. Drinking water became a must – more than before. And, with all the hard mental work I’ve done in therapy – I think it was THE time. Secondly, I think the reason I know this change is for good is because I can see myself thinner. I can literally envision myself being healthier. While I do not exactly have a goal weight, I’m feeling more confident every day that I put myself together by exercising, eating right, and just being proactive by telling people about myself and my struggles.

A lot is happening, mentally. I’m trying to deconstruct who I was. Who I thought I was and who I actually am. It’s a lot of hard work. I’m accountable for who I am. I have to be. My husband can’t possibly do it all for me. He helps, for sure. He’s not the be all end all for my progress.

When I say that food is an addiction for me, I’m not lying. When I first started this journey, I remember sitting down to eat cookies. I ate as many of them as I could. Even to the point of feeling ill. My quest to fill that void suddenly became uncomfortable. I just wanted something to make me feel good. Complete. And I used food as that medium. It’s embarrassing to admit. I’m sure other people understand and can relate. I opened the refrigerator often to look for food that magically would appear that wasn’t there before. That was stupid. And I’d spend way more money than I should have on impulse ice cream or baking supplies.

So much of my life was disorder, before. I didn’t have any control over what was happening in my life. From teenager to early and sort of mid adulthood. And now I’m finally finding my peace. I’m 46 years old. That’s a long time to wait for peace. I’m just elated that I’ve found it.

I’ll continue to update on my journey. And my post title is my goal to when I go. Technically, two years from now would be 2025. So, by 2025, I plan to have started my plans to getting to Finland. And I’m beyond excited about where I’m going to be and how well I’ll fit in that airplane seat!

Thanks for reading!

Many blessings to each and every one of you.