My experience with trauma is that it can take forever to get passed. If you can find a way to address it at all. I am an advocate for mental health awareness and treatment. I absolutely recommend therapy as well as psychiatry.

I feel like I’ve lived in the shadow of a fifteen year old girl for 30 years. She held on like nothing that I can compare to. I felt her feelings of abandonment and sorrow. I waged this protest to my family and the church that I grew up in because of how I was treated. All I wanted was for someone to say they saw me for who I was. That I was mistakenly judged and left. Instead of feeling like I was stuck to this doom and gloom life ahead of me.

I contacted my brother Tim a few weeks ago. I got my nerve up and started telling him about some struggles that I was dealing with at the time. My anxiety and stress was over the top. And if I’m being honest with myself – I was the closest to feeling suicidal as I had been since I had been in middle school. While I wasn’t willing to take my life – my despair was just that great. In the conversation though, he expressed some of his feelings about finances and faith. And I told him about how I felt abandoned by the people of faith. I also told him not to excuse anyone’s behavior. That didn’t help me. As well as that this was my experience at life. Not his. When I told him this, I guess I was expecting to be gas lighted. Told that my reality wasn’t just because that was not how he perceived faith or anyone in it. That it was my responsibility to go to church as a kid. Yet, surprisingly? He didn’t. He admitted that he was also responsible. Admitted that people probably looked to me like they were all disapproving parents instead of getting what I needed. I cannot begin to express how that made me feel. I’ll try.

At the moment he typed those words to me, my fifteen year old self seemed to release her hold from me. I felt lighter. My feelings of despair – gone. Hmmmm…. What is this feeling I’m experiencing? Happiness???? Oh my….

I recently had a birthday, so I’m now 46 years old. I’ve lived 33 years as a depressed person. My reality for that time was very low self esteem and quite a bit of codependency wrapped in. My mantra as a kid was – happiness is a fleeting emotion. And while I know I need to retrain my mind, it’s terrifying. For many years, I have suffered. Now I’m looking at the world as open to opportunities. I kick ass at my job. I’m helping Eric more. I’m communicating more – definitely listening more. I’m allowing myself to be embarrassed – potentially to help other people have fun around me. I’m more in tuned to my body. I’m trying to make differences for myself. So why is it so hard to just accept happiness for what it is?

With a mantra like that, with multiple traumas and losses, few friends or acquaintances…. life feels stagnant. Any gain may be perceived as temporary. Waiting for the last shoe to drop. Soooo.. how do I help myself esteem? What do I do so I don’t have that eternal sense of … I’m going to be fucked. I just don’t know when or how. It’s going to be. Life is still unfair because I don’t have what I want.

Next therapy session is in January…. so I’ll tackle more then!

I am proud of myself for my accomplishments. I feel really excited about the prospects of my future. I just need to figure out how to help myself without feeling guilty.