To me, the decision was basic. I wasn’t seeing myself as accepted into the fold, therefore – I left the church. Yet I didn’t just leave the church. Once I left the Independent Apostolic Lutheran Church, I was alone. Respectfully alone. And I had always been proud of the fact that I am Finnish. And honestly, the only thing I knew about being Finnish was by being around other people at the church that shared the same genetic background. I was shocked as all get out to find out how naturalized Finns are SOOOO much different than the Americanized Finns. The only similarities are the bizarre last names and the love of all things Saunas. (pronounced sow-nah) Practice that…. For the love of ….

Apparently the Finns like alcohol. That was something my family didn’t do. I mean, not at all. Completely dry family. They like coffee…. sure. And apparently there is a thing in Finland called Wife Carrying Contests. See the link: https://rove.me/to/finland/wife-carrying-world-championships . In addition – something that made me laugh hysterically – Heavy Metal Knitting! Yep, the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xF9TZioZzBU. How can anyone make this up??? I honestly had to send this to my sister in law, Meredith on facebook when I saw it. Most of all, I love Nightwish and Apocalyptica. Oh my….

I guess when I left the church, I thought about how much I loved my nationality – so when I left the church, I felt like I didn’t understand my nationality anymore. It was such a part of it. Literally you greeted people in Finn (well, not anymore – I guess). You could sing in Finnish in some of the hymns. And some of the older generations still spoke fluent Finnish. I didn’t know anyone outside of my family and my church that spoke Finnish. Of course, I didn’t know many people outside of my church at all. Just my class mates and teachers And when I eventually grew out of my home town, I had very little left. And for the few people that I communicated with that left the church after me – or even when I communicated with a few chosen people that were still in the church – there was this overwhelming feeling of …. can I trust you? Will you hold my secrets. (That’s even to say that there were any secrets worthwhile of keeping)

I felt like I was unworthy since I didn’t feel love from my family in the church. I felt judged. And when I left the church I felt abandoned. And when people would emphasize the legitimacy of family members not having anything to do with me after I left – I felt like I was to blame. So therefore, it scarred me further. You’re LITERALLY saying that I’m to blame. How could I not take it that way?

What saddens me further is I’m listening to a book about a survivor from Jonestown. Yes, THE Jonestown. Deborah Layton is the author: https://deborahlayton.com/book/. The book is called Seductive Poison. I’ve only just begun listening to the book today. She talks about her life before the cult. And her feeling of isolation reminds me of myself in my early years. Her lashing out reminds me of my lashing out in my early years (to a point). I wanted to send her an email or touch base with her and say… I’ve listened to 15 minutes of your audio book, but I can relate to you! (Ummmm…. yea.) Instead, I think I’ll just keep listening. And that was unfortunately where I had to stop for the moment. My work day ran its course and it was time to come home. Jonestown – along with many other cults are horrible and tragic in so many ways. The devastation caused is unrelenting. And my heart goes out to any survivor and former members of cults. And while I was not a part of a cult, per se… I was indoctrinated all the same. And it stands to reason that when you leave a cult, the cult will no longer associate with you. You are forbidden fruit – so to speak. They have much to lose by allowing continuing members to associate with former members. They might taint you into the life of the unworthy. It makes me angry that people cannot wrap their heads around identifying family over religion. Family over sect. Family over cult.

My identity was fractured when I left the faith. And there is a big part of me that is still trying to get the external validation of being a good person. I could be a philanthropist of the greatest sort. I could give blood every week. I could completely reduce my carbon footprint. I could grow my own food. I could do absolutely everything right at this point in my life, and still, somehow – I would still want someone else to validate me. To tell me I’m worthwhile. And the reason I’m that way? I think it’s because I lost that a long time ago. I did not have the nurturing mother at a very pivotal time in my life. My self-esteem was shattered in immense ways. And now I have to rebuild. I’d love to outsource that…. but that’s just not how it works.

Have you done work like this before? Have you experienced pain like this? What have you tried that’s worked? Have you been able to rebuild your familial ties?