Without a doubt, life is almost a never ending series of complications and general acceptances of what has come to pass. I have tried to be extraordinarily rational about why, but extremely judgmental about my inability to make change in my life. Much of the time, I get in my own way. And sometimes, trying to make changes creates so many headaches – so, so many.

While I’m still trying to accept my deficiencies in life, I’m trying to remember what I bring to the equation. I’m not hopeless. I’m not lost to the black hole of nothingness. I’ve lived a complicated life – that many in the U.S. thankfully don’t. However, there are many in the U.S. that have faced worse than me…. Right now, my biggest pain is the cat that is irritated by my laptop being on my lap, and not the table. She wants up to get attention in the worst way. I think many adults and even children lose a lot in the course of their lives. I don’t know why exactly I am as sensitive, heightened to panic and such. Feel that no matter what anyone tells me, that I long to be accepted – even whatever is in front of me.

December 22nd was such a day. Near the end of the day, my pain in the ass coworker, Kenny – he told me that he loved me to death. My initial feeling was confusion, but it led to – does he know something about his health that I don’t? (I mean, in fairness… he’d know everything about his health. I’d know nothing) Is he going to die – and this is his pseudo death bed confession to me? He was such an epic pain in the ass while I worked with him in the dock area at American Tent. And when I got transferred to the manufacturing floor, he screws with me. Taking something of mine (a pop, my sanitizing wipes, a pen) and moves it to a different location. And then pointing it out. Then to tell me he loves me to death???? Tell me what this is, exactly. I know the way he meant it was plutonic. There is nothing about my relationship with my coworker that is in any way romantic. I guess the impending holidays maybe got under his thick skin to provide a window into his soul. It wasn’t until the next day that I felt comfortable at work to give him a hug and thank him for that sentiment. That I appreciated it

There are a lot of parallels to where I lived when I was a kid, to where I live now. I literally live south of my home town AND there is exactly two letters difference in the name. It’s quite interesting. Let alone how small the town is. It’s actually smaller than my home town. So while I think about it, I think I automatically associate my home town with my existing town. The fact that acceptance was not in my control. And so automatically, I won’t be able to control any of it here either. I grasp on too hard to the people that I know that love me – because I know that they do love me. And the people that I don’t KNOW, there’s almost an attachment disorder kind of thing going on. Love me, wait.. don’t love me, just go away! Wait! I changed my mind. Please validate that I’m a good person! Wait, I don’t want your validation. I KNOW who I am. …. And then I sink into depression because I don’t know what to do with it all.

And then, re-enter, Ashleigh. So, I think it was two or three weeks ago now. Ashleigh sent a message from facebook to my instagram account (Thank you Mark Zuckerfuck). She was sending me a direct message, but almost speaking directly to me, and then not in the same message. Like she’s trying to appeal to me, but appeal to the masses that her feelings are legitimate. I have indicated in the past that I want nothing more than to have a functional relationship with Ashleigh. She’s my last child on this earth. It’s hard to deal with the thoughts that permeate about how I feel about myself in general. Let alone my guilt surrounding how things have come to pass. Why I gave myself permission to walk away. And the strain of, will she, won’t she? Will I, won’t I? So, with the contact, I intended on sending a message back to her so she could come to grips with. Not only do I not ‘Readers Digest’ anything. Apparently there are limits to what you can send (character wise) and so I had to send multiple messages to convey my thoughts in their entirety. Then, the surprise I came to was that – this wasn’t like email. This was all live delivery and she could respond to me real time. Then, I was in it.

When I started telling Cody, Ashleigh’s ex boyfriend that I was back in contact with her.. apparently I hadn’t told my husband yet. So … he was confused, and angry at me. Rightfully so. I believe I thought I told him. I guess not. So not only did I have to de-escalate the fears that Cody had about Ashleigh finding him through my contact with him, I also had to de-escalate the worry that Eric had about things getting back to the way they were. And reassure him, I was maintaining boundaries.

I’ve mentioned in the past that Ashleigh was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, among other diagnoses. I’ve wanted her to get help from a therapist using the BPD approved approach of DBT Therapy. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. I’ve hoped for years that she would see what I was seeing. Not wanting to have kids to complicate things. Especially in the life that she’s been living within the last few years. With the guys that she’s dated. Everything…. She’s lost one child (Benjamin) – he had two heart surgeries for a congenital heart condition and eventually passed away last October 2020. Benjamin was only 8 months old when he died. And he wasn’t even being taken care of by the biological parents outside of the hospital. He was being cared for by the foster parents that Brown County Wisconsin placed him with. Ashleigh has also had two children prior to Benjamin. Kalvin and Iris. Both of those children were placed in foster care too, and eventually adopted to a family that seems to love them. (FYI – Ashleigh admitted to ‘stalking’ one of the adoptive parents and shared current pictures of both children with me.. that was hard. It complicates more feelings about being a grandmother, but not.) I’m grateful that those children aren’t in her home. I’m grateful that they seem to have a loving life. At the same time, the smile Kalvin has on his face concerns me. It reminds me of Ashleigh, as a kid. It doesn’t seem like he’s legitimately smiling because he’s enjoying himself. He seems like he’s doing it out of obligation. I hope I’m just overthinking, or maybe it’s a sign that he’ll have problems too.

When I started talking to Ashleigh, she was saying she’s going to arrange for a DBT therapist once she gets her insurance cards. She says that she realizes things are bad for her right now. Everything she’s saying seems to lead in a direction of – I’m getting better, mom. And while I want to believe that, I’m still afraid. My limits with her are these: We do not talk about her biological father and she doesn’t pass information about me to him. That she and I only communicate through text messages either through facebook/instagram or through a textnow app that generates a phone number for you that isn’t aligned with your existing cell service. I will not accept phone calls or video calls. I only also only talk to her a few times a day for short spans of time. I do not let her shit become too much. She’s indicated she has a tik tok communication thing that she wanted me to watch, but I don’t do tik tok. I’m really not interested in that. And we do not communicate about the past. The past happened, I cannot begin to change it and therefore, I should look to what exists at present. I will not argue with her about who she feels is to blame about certain things. I just say I cannot prove it either way, so I do not take a stand. She, so far, seems to accept that.

Since I have been off work, I’ve been feeling light headed a lot. I’m not sure what it’s related to. Since I’ve started blogging, I’ve become light headed again. Maybe it’s an anxiety reaction – given all of the new complications I’m dealing with. Initially, I thought I might have been getting sick. My blood sugars were up too – more than they should have been. Even my blood pressure was fine, and no fever. Maybe it is just anxiety??? I’m not sure exactly what this means for me right now.

In the meantime, I’ve got some new things happening. Plotting to grow our own lettuce at home, and also, I have dry erase boards in our mud room that will help me stay focused. (I hope!)

Blessings to you all!

Janet