I fashion myself after someone relatively high maintenance with low maintenance goals. I’m high maintenance because psychologically, I know I’m unwell. I need validation more than a frequent visitor to a commercial parking facility. I’m still trying to build myself up when I have perceptions that life is trying to tear me down.

Lately I’ve been truly missing my mom and Darrian, so much. My mom was really only fully present until I was 14 years old. After that, I was tossed into a status I was fully uncomfortable with. Or even having difficulty coming to terms with. My father never made it really clear that my mother wasn’t coming home. It was always the goal that she was. She was never the same once she had fallen.

All of those fundamentals that a kid needs after I became a teenager, I missed. And I know that because I’ve been in enough therapy to know what I missed. I cannot expect my husband to be my husband and my mother, so he can’t model parental qualities for me to learn them. That’s wrong on so many levels. I’m making things up as I go along. It’s hard. Extremely hard.

I also find that my husband has been diagnosed with this Covid-19, so we’ve been quarantined. I tested negative, and so until I test again I’m quarantined officially until December 15th. My workplaces have been notified and I’m trying to take into effect of insurance at the hotel. They’ll be expecting to draw something from my paycheck. You know… The ones I won’t be getting. So I’ve emailed the individual to see if there’s any way to make payment arrangements. I won’t hear anything obviously until at least Monday, but I’m nervous.

Ashleigh of course comes up. I talked to my brother Tim. He’s spoken with Ashleigh’s current boyfriend Ian. Ian tells my brother Tim that Ashleigh would like to kill us. Us referring to Tim and I. Suddenly I’m in a head space that I have no idea how to navigate. As if life wasn’t complicated enough. I’ve lost a grandchild, my husband has the the corona virus, my job is on hiatus because I’m exposed regularly, I can’t pay for my insurance to take care of our health and pay the bills, I miss my mom more than I can explain, and my daughter Darrian will have died 5 years to the date that I get out of quarantine. Now I have a daughter that would like to kill me and potentially other family members? What in the holy fuck????

I realize mental illness is horrible and complex, but if I could take Ashleigh’s middle name away…I would. Legally. My sister Dianne was the name sake. I never knew what a tragic figure Ashleigh would become after all of my attempts to save her from herself. I literally need someone to help me comprehend my life. There is far too much going around that grey squishy center you call a brain. I just can’t deal with it all. What I can say without a doubt, It’s heresy. There was no imminent threat and Ashleigh is anything but motivated (unless it involves her phone, boyfriends, and pregnancy). I feel no threat to my personal self or my husband. What I do know is that I’ll never ever look her in eye again. She and I cease to exist to one another. Disowned. I’ve sacrificed so much. I can’t save her from herself. I have to save me. (FYI: rumor has it she’s pregnant again)

Right now, I’d love to sit down with either a psychic medium and a cup of coffee or with my mom herself. I’d love to fill her in on my life to date. I’d love to just tell her how much I need her. To hear her advice to me. For her to hold me in her arms. To see her laugh again and to feel her warmth. And to know, really know, that I’m okay.

I’ve been asked a question before that I didn’t know how to answer before. If I had an ability or superpower, what would I choose to do? I’d choose to be able to visit heaven for one hour per year and come back to the earthly plane. I’d be able to interact with my loved ones there for that time and come back. I wouldn’t hold that ability for my entire lifetime. It would only last while my psyche needed that comfort. After that, I’d lose that power and be like the rest of the schmo’s that have to miss their loved ones. Like I do right now.

Darrian Amber Seppanen, I love you forever, I’ll like you for always. Forever and ever, my baby you’ll be.