PTSD, My Life, My Changes

Category: Death

  • I Wish Dianne Were Here (in person)

    I lost Dianne when I was 11 years old. It was 1988.7.5. I wouldn’t turn 12 until December. I was probably in sixth grade. I liked boys, music, early Democrat, pro choice, liked to sing, and wanted to be like Dianne. The earrings, the style, the smart, the whitty, and very largely unknown to me.…

  • So Much Content!!!

    It’s Sunday afternoon. I’m sitting here and knowing how much has happened in the last two weeks. I’ve been off work for a few weeks now, waiting for Short Term Disability to kick in. I’ve been assured that the papers have been filed. So, here I am. How did I get to this? Okay… Since…

  • I Do Not Remember

    I think one of the things that makes me so mad about PTSD is the memory issues. I cannot remember many periods of my life. Many years. I have blips of memories. I remember being in 1st grade. Studying the weather. I remember playing with certain friends during certain periods of time. I remember certain…

  • Basic Dignities

    Life has been a complete dumpster fire for me for so long. I have been stuck in this mental purgatory that lasted so long. I didn’t understand what happened to Dianne. That took place in 1988. Then my brother Brian was diagnosed with having the RYR2 Gene Mutation (2014/2015) which (when activated) cause syncope (heart…

  • I’m Learning… I’m Listening

    At my age, one would think that my childhood wouldn’t bother me so much. And, in fairness, it’s not bothering me as much as it used to. I’m looking around. Taking in the spaces around me and what they really are. They’re not a threat. There’s not someone looking at me funny or talking about…

  • Saying Goodbye, Saying Hello.. (Again)

    I have been trying to evaluate things. My life. What’s important to me. Who I am, exactly. I came to a deep reflection today about myself. I’m not living my life. I’m living my life remembering bad things and relating them to experiences in my current life. I don’t see things around me and I…

  • Letting Go…. Not 15 Years Old Anymore

    I’ve had PTSD for quite a while now. I guess I didn’t realize how my brain changed during my traumatic experiences growing up. And after I grew up… (*kinda*) I have always wanted to be better than I was. Thinking that I was still 15 years old, I saw everyone as not liking me. Or…

  • Safety – Feeling Denied (Until I Left)

    I hated what the Upper Peninsula of Michigan represented as a kid. Many people from outside of that area looked at it as … well, undeveloped and people were hicks. Drink beer, go to jail, sing stupid songs, go to deer camp, and lose MANY MANY IQ points in the process. I didn’t feel like…

  • Trauma & Me

    It’s hard to remember the good things. It honestly is. And after so much criticism from people who purported to love me, I almost shut down my blog. I decided to keep going because after all, this is for me. Not for anyone else. I started out with this as a means of reflecting on my life.  I realize that…

  • Tying it all together

    My life is a complicated mess. Tying together the family dysfunction, the RYR2 gene mutation, my rebelliousness, and the IALC (Independent Apostolic Lutheran Church – or Laestadianism.) My family (or at least four generations back) came from Finland. Lars Levi Laestadius created this religion called Laestadianism. It’s Lutheran. IALC is founded with the ideas of…