Category: Black and White Thinking
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I Do Not Remember
I think one of the things that makes me so mad about PTSD is the memory issues. I cannot remember many periods of my life. Many years. I have blips of memories. I remember being in 1st grade. Studying the weather. I remember playing with certain friends during certain periods of time. I remember certain…
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What Would Mom & Dad Say
My podcast episode apparently ruffled some feathers. Despite not saying the direct name of the church. I gave the origin of the religion. My mom was mad at me when I said the name of the church incorrectly in a phone call. She almost slapped me across the face. I saw her reaction. I know…
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Who I Am
I’ve spent a long time identifying who I am as a victim of some fucked up circumstances. For years. I was modeled ignoring yourself and your needs, so, that was normal. I can’t exactly remember how long it’s been now, but it started out with Eric and I going to see Jason Mewes at Skyline…
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Hi! I’m Mentally Unwell. You?
I suppose I have walked around most of my life saying…. hi, I’m a victim of circumstances. Hi…. did you hear about my circumstances? Well…. let me tell you about those darned circumstances! I think I meant for it to sound how ‘badass I am… how much I have overcome’. It started to really say….…
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No one ever asks for this
It’s true. I never imagined myself feeling like I was going to be a 15 year old until … Probably, now? (guess how old I actually am? Hint: I’m a few decades from 15 years old.) I have been living my life feeling like I’ve had to defend myself. For making bad decisions. For disappointing…
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Safety – Feeling Denied (Until I Left)
I hated what the Upper Peninsula of Michigan represented as a kid. Many people from outside of that area looked at it as … well, undeveloped and people were hicks. Drink beer, go to jail, sing stupid songs, go to deer camp, and lose MANY MANY IQ points in the process. I didn’t feel like…
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Love & Support
Foreigner created a song called “I Want to Know What Love is” in 1984. I think everyone alive on this giant rock we call Earth wants to have Love. Love without support is little help sometimes. Even the most aboriginal group of people rely on their brothers and sisters in their community (respectively, not literally).…
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Feelings about Me & The Future
It has been an extraordinary adventure. I’m fourty (murmurs random number) years old. I’ve been dealing with PTSD largely since I was 11 years old. My feelings were large and I had no one to really help me unpack them. Go to the therapist my mom says. Her therapist. Karen. I didn’t want her. I…
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Criminal/Bad/Evil/Unusual/Ugly Behavior
I think everyone throughout time (mostly) that experienced trauma (abuse, neglect, incest/molestation/rape, crime, poverty…. etc), people will find a way to adapt. Positively or negatively. I like choose your own adventure books. I like the opportunity to be a woman and to be able to use her voice. I like that I have the freedom…
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Tying it all together
My life is a complicated mess. Tying together the family dysfunction, the RYR2 gene mutation, my rebelliousness, and the IALC (Independent Apostolic Lutheran Church – or Laestadianism.) My family (or at least four generations back) came from Finland. Lars Levi Laestadius created this religion called Laestadianism. It’s Lutheran. IALC is founded with the ideas of…
Learning about Me 