Mental illness is a blocking of the self. It is the most isolating experience one can feel. Coupled with death, loss of family and friends, coupled with loss of faith. My depression feels like this conversation. (MI = Mental Illness speaking, ME = Me without the mental illness)

MI: You’re a terrible person. Me: Why do you say that? Did someone tell you that? MI: Well, it’s pretty clear. No one likes you. Everyone looks at you like you’re weird. Don’t you see it? Me: Jeez… yep. I see it. I walked passed someone the other day in the grocery store. They looked really annoyed. I thought maybe it was me. MI: It was definitely you. You’re annoying. You didn’t shower today, so you smell bad. No one wants you around. Me: I talked to a friend of mine today, she says she doesn’t care if I didn’t shower. MI: She was just being nice. Believe me – she’d care. Me: You’re right. That’s a lot to tolerate. MI: Keep in mind, your hair is gross, your pants are dirty, your dishes haven’t been done in a few days. What is wrong with you? Why can’t you get your shit together? I mean, everyone else does this. How can you not do the simplest things? Me: Ugh, I know. I just can’t get started. I wish someone could come over and keep me company and keep me motivated. MI: Seriously? Why would anyone want to help YOU? Me: Bed it is…..

Conversations like this seem to be frequent with anyone that has depression. I have suffered with major depressive episodes since I was 13 years old. So, that makes 32 years of my life. Major depression is isolating. And that’s not including the anxiety from leaving my faith and having social anxiety in general. The PTSD from losing family members and losing our home to the fire when I was 15 years old. So much happened in a relatively short span of time. When I left my faith, my family left me. When my house burned down, I felt responsible. When my mom and sister suffered their medical traumas and eventual death – I felt like, if I had been better…. just maybe.

I was a kid. And I became a broken adult. I was isolated by my own head. Not that I wanted it to be that way. Depression or any mental illness is isolating. No matter how hard you want to try, or think you should… it doesn’t seem to work unless you have the correct stimuli. If you don’t have a proper social support, the right therapist, the right psychiatrist, the right doctor, the right medication – so many variables are the key to your success.

Today, here’s my conversation.

MI: You are STILL a horrible person. How an you get up every day and deal with your inadequacies. Me: I’m NOT a horrible person. You’ve tried to tell me that and I don’t believe you anymore. You don’t have a leg to stand on. MI: You’ve lost nearly everyone you have ever loved. How do you believe that you’re not horrible. It was your fault! Me: No, it wasn’t. Unfortunately, people come and go. Life is not promised from one day to the next. We now know about the RYR2 gene mutation. Doctors are helping keep us safe. MI: You have other family that will have nothing to do with you. How do you explain that, genius? Me: Family is a concept that evolves over time. It doesn’t just mean blood. I have plenty of people who love me – even being the imperfect person that I am. MI: You just don’t get it. You’re clueless. Me: No, I was. You’re the one that’s clueless.

It’s hard to understand if you don’t understand mental illness, how this applies. No matter how “good” you may be in your life – mental illness (MI) will tell you you’re not. And by listening to mental illness, you’ll isolate. You don’t want to be a burden. You won’t reach out. You won’t seek help. You’ll stay in your protective shell so you won’t hurt anyone else by showing who you are. The problem is, that’s a lie too. The people that love you don’t want to see you hurting. They want to see you blossom, like the seeds that have been dormant for the winter in the ground. They want to be part of your joy. And to bring you through the hard times. Mental illness is pervasive and will keep trying, as long as it believes it has a hold on you. If ANYONE has told you anything negative in your life, Mental illness has ammunition. It will always be that weed that continues to grow in your mental garden. There is no way to get out of it unless you challenge it. Unless I challenge it.

Today, my life feels great. I’ve done some pretty ridiculous things in my life – and I’ve learned some amazing things about myself. I’m trying not to hold myself responsible for failings of others. And I’m learning that I have to ask questions outside of myself. Embrace others and experience challenges that I didn’t see possible. I have a life outside of these four walls. I am the only one (presently) that can hold myself captive. And if I can’t save myself, no one else will be able to penetrate the wall I’ve built. I’ll always believe the mental illness then.

So now it’s time to knock down that wall. Start seeing what exists outside. Are you going to come along too? What will we see? I bet it is awesome. Let’s take a look!