Once upon a time, I had a blog. A blog under the name psychosisrus. I spent YEARS on that blog. Yes, years. And then, one day I got tired of being harassed by my eldest daughter (something to discuss later… ish) and I deleted my email address. The email address associated with my blog. And then today… I try to log in. And Whalla! Just like that… 6 years of my life erased. Does that mean I’m completely upset? Well… no. A lot of the things I typed up on that blog were things that happened during a time I’m not completely proud of. Now though, I have to play catch up.

For those of you new to me – let me tell you, I’m new to me. Let me tell you about myself and my life up to present.

As I indicated, I’m married. I’ve been married for some time now. I have had two children. One living, one deceased. I’m 43 years old and I have two dogs and one cat. I, at this time, am working part time. Not by choice, but because the Covid-19 pandemic ceased hotel stays for the forseeable future. In the meantime, just like millions of Americans – I’m going stir crazy at home.

My husband and I, since 2015, have been empty nesters. When our daughter died, it just kinda happened. I had been a mother since I was 19 years old, so being a mother was all I knew. And suddenly, as if a nightmare – I had to figure myself out.

At the time, I hated the name “God”. I still have problems reconciling completely with it. I lost my mother young, and I had a dysfunctional upbringing from 14 yrs on up. I lost a lot of family and friend contacts because I left the church I grew up in, and so a lot of my stability was not there to comfort me. And I was not good at finding my own.

Ashleigh, my oldest daughter was diagnosed far too late to be beneficial as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD for short) and Delusional Disorder (Persecutory Type). We dealt with over a dozen inpatient hospitalizations starting under the age of 11, Reactive attachment diagnosis, so much help from social workers, foster care families, therapists, etc. It was all encompassing. I attempted to go to school and work for some time and didn’t finish my degree that I started in. And in all of honesty, I never was truly interested in becoming a Criminal Justice degree graduate. It was the most interesting degree type since there was no psychology degree program at the technical college. University was never going to be fitting since any program would require algebra. For whatever reason, I CANNOT do algebra. I’ve tried, and I’ve failed. Many times.

It’s hard to say I know who I am, exactly. I know what my diagnoses tell me. Does that mean that I encompass my diagnoses? Oh hell no! It is part of me. And something I need to come to terms with somehow. Figure out how to get rid of these parts in me that are completely dysfunctional and do not allow me to grow to my proper potential.

I live in an old home in Kewaunee, WI. It’s quite picturesque, really. It really has about 3,000 residents at present (if that). Lake Michigan is literally down the road from where my husband and I live. I can walk out of my front door and look to see it staring back at me. And it is quite the sight. My anxiety and feelings of insecurity/inferiority complex keeps me from really making friends. I think I’ve spent most of my adult life sitting on a therapists couch… so if I’m trying to make a friend, I’m saying… this is what my life is. Not, hey, I like the music of Green Day, Imagine Dragons. I am almost obsessed with the Gilmore Girls and dogs. I am probably off-putting to some because they don’t understand why I am a completely open book in many regards. And I’m realizing that I’m actually quite opinionated. Though I try to allow myself the ability to know that my way of thinking is not always the right way. Others might see it differently and although I feel like they’re wrong… there is something to trying to view things from anothers perspective. Ask questions, be open. And don’t be a dickhead. It benefits no one.

I’m learning that I like pulling weeds. I found myself mesmerized with the activity. Oddly, I imagined myself like King Kong destroying Tokyo – except with weeds. And while I cannot make the amazing sounds King Kong does while he is wreaking havoc – I just picture it in my head. That’s if I’m thinking about it while it’s going on. In the moment, it almost feels like I’m not purposefully meditating. My mind goes blank. And then an hour and a half later I’m laying on my stomach – fists in and dirt on and in my clothing. (Yep! Shower time!) I also found that I enjoy diamond painting. I love beautiful scenery and I enjoy quiet. I have really found that I enjoy walking with or without my dogs. I can look around and just take comfort in nature. I try to soak it all in. And while I’m not at one with nature during the winter, during spring and summer I do my best to be outside.

My mom and I spent our best bonding time baking. She seemed so patient with me when we were baking together. And although I don’t find the same pleasure in cooking, I absolutely LOVE baking. It’s soothing. It’s wonderful to share something with others – making them happy. Just tonight, I got a text message from a friend of mine asking me if I left cookies on my neighbors back porch. I said yes. She shared with me a facebook post from said neighbor holding the cookie to her open mouth and exclaiming that they were her favorite type of cookies. And although she didn’t know what wonderful person did leave the cookies, she was thankful. So, I confirmed I was the cookie fairy and said I was happy she liked them.

I want to become creative, but I think I’m afraid of becoming creative to a point where I end up screwing it all up. That maybe I go all in to try to make something and then find out that it’s just a nightmare and I’ve spent $50 on something that I can’t get the money back from now. And with only working part time, that makes the situation very real for me.

My husband and I are endeavoring on making a garden in our back yard. There are a lot of things that we want to plant. And our formal discussion has yet to be had. I know tomatoes, cucumbers, squash, beans, and a few other things. Just don’t entirely know what all will be planted all things considered. This is the life of me.

I plan on typing more some day, but I have to go to work tomorrow. (YAY laundry!)

Goodnight virtual world. Please be safe and take care of you!

Love,

Me